Episode 51: Memories

Well, hey, everybody, welcome to the 51st episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Thanks for joining me. And as you can see, by the title, I’m going to talk about memories. And I thought a lot about how this I don’t know, this episode would go with this particular topic, because having the last 50 episodes been about my memories, and in some cases, yes, but also in many cases, it’s really about my reflection of my past. So today is Tuesday, July 26. And it is my birthday. And I feel as if a lot of times during special events that we have in our lives, we also create memories. Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is just another Tuesday. And it’s perfectly okay, I’m 59 years old, I hope there’ll be many birthdays, but I don’t look at a 59 year birthday to be any kind of, you know, monumental event. So I’m okay with that. I also wanted to kind of reflect on how yet you know, you think about your memories and how I go back into my history of when I was a little girl and the kind of birthdays that I used to have to adulthood. And you know, having a birthday in the summertime is not great. Similarly, the people who say, Well, my birthday is around Christmas, that’s not great, either. I get that. But summertime birthdays are obviously you’re either home with your family or on vacation, or even, you know, many children that I grew up with, including myself were in camp. So I didn’t really spend my youth, my my younger year birthdays with my family. It was always spent with a bunch of, you know, strangers, as far as I was concerned people that I was not building lifelong memories with In fact, I probably can only tell you about one person’s name from camp, because it just, you know, these are just people who come into your life for a season or reason or a lifetime, right. And I always felt like, I was weird. i i as a little girl, I kind of felt like I was I don’t know, left out because of that. And yet, I don’t know why that was other than the fact that maybe my sister’s birthday, who’s in the fall, you know, she would have parties where there would be lots of her school friends around. And that was never the case for me. So you know, you think about that. And then you think a little bit about as you’re getting older, I remember birthdays, you know, when you’re younger, your birthday is a big deal. It’s a special day, it’s your special day, even though you share it with many, many, many, many people. It’s still your day out of the year you you feel different, you feel something. And like I said in the beginning, this is just another Tuesday and that’s okay. I guess I want to go back in time a little bit and talk from a place of reflection, as I have been doing for this last year, and how I’ve recorded all of these 50 episodes prior to this one from a place of balance. You know, I got all my work done. I’m not very busy right now because it’s summertime and I got all my work done. And I know that a lot of my clients are on break, and they’re taking their vacations and they’re spending time with their family. And I took a year to reflect on my pass but more importantly in sharing my memories. I told the story I told my story. I think my story while may not be a new story, it was unique to me which is you know, of course why i Why i shared uniqueness In last week’s episode, however I’m thinking about next week, and how I made the decision that episode 52 would be one season. And I know what I’m going to talk about next week. But I also know that that’s going to be the last episode of the season. Well, if my seasons are one year long, if I decide to commit to another season, then I’m committing to another year. Now, in sharing my story, at the time that I did it last summer, they were just flying out one right after the other. And then as I said, I took a break, and I shared all of my memories from that, you know, healing place that I feel like I’m in, only to have taken this break. And then I, I felt a little like, it was a bit of a chore to record each week. But I still had plenty to share, which is why I continued to record. And I still feel like I have plenty to share. So here’s what I’m thinking about doing in sharing my memories. While I believe that there are considerably more topics to share, in regards to, you know, maybe I could talk about, I don’t know, education, or I could share about culinary school more in depth. I could share about my employment history, even though I’ve shared it before I could share it even I could go even deeper. And then I think well, could you and is that really any value to any person who might be listening? And it in? Then I realized, no, it probably isn’t. I think in a year’s time, when I shared everything that I shared, based on the topics that I selected chosen, I think it’s I think it’s pretty much encapsulated, a great deal of my life from every particular angle that I could think of. And as I go for these walks, that I never thought I’d ever talk about going for walks, I’ve decided that I I want to talk to people who might be listening. And even, this is hard for me to share. Because once I put it out there, and I know that I don’t have to share this episode. But once I put it out there, I feel like I’m gonna make this commitment. So I guess what I’m doing is making it about accountability. But I am thinking about, maybe it’s sort of like writing a book, in sharing, you know, how to how to tell your story on the internet, because I think a lot about the people who have stories to share and tell. And as long as it’s their story to share and tell why not. But not everybody who may want to share their story may know how, maybe they don’t know if they should, and maybe they don’t even believe that they can. And I guess what I want to do is I want to speak from a place of, you know, as I get there, when I’m doing this hindsight, can you share your story on the internet? How do you share your story on the internet? Why should you share your story on the internet? And you know, all of the things to get lost in that concept? It’s somewhat like, Okay, well, here’s your journal from the last 25 years. Go ahead, share it, but that’s not really how it goes, is it? There’s so much more involved in it. You know, I’m not a professional author. I’ve never written a book and I’m thinking about actually writing a book. I listened to a podcast recently and I think there’s a book and everybody I think that this podcasts one year of my life is actually a book if somebody wanted to read it, but then he you know, you can’t wrapped up and all this stuff about you know, your memories, and are you accurately remembering what you’re sharing are you embellishing to make it more interesting? And I can tell you that I have not once embellished my story. Not once. I have told my story from my fondest of memories, as well as my most broken hearted memories. You know, as I celebrate my 59th birthday today, I think about all of the times that I used to celebrate with my young children, and how wonderful it was. And even when I was somewhat loss and unhappy in my marriage. I still managed to, I guess show up. It may not have been pretty You know, it’s funny I now I had another memory I, I celebrated one of my birthdays in rehab. And that sucked. You know, I was there from, I don’t know, July to August and it ran into my birthday. And maybe that’s why I don’t, I don’t want too much to be, you know, celebrated. I don’t like birthday cards. I don’t like birthday cake. I don’t like people singing. It’s such a weird thing it I wonder does it bring up bad memories? Does it remind me of sad times? And I don’t know. But I’m digressing a little bit because ultimately, this is going to be, you know, this is the second to last episode, I’m recording at least that I’m clear about recording. And then I have this other idea about what I want to do. And I would love feedback from people. But I very rarely get any feedback from anybody. I know that there are listeners. So I’m, I’m not worried about you know, who’s listening. I know people are listening. And it’s not all my mother and father. But I know that there are people listening from all over the world, which is so remarkable to me. And even if there aren’t a lot of listeners, I’m okay with that. And I would be curious to know if anybody, and I’m not an expert on this, I can only share from my own experiences, at least in the last year about sharing a very personal story on the internet. Now, the personal story is mine. And I never spoke from anybody else’s perspective, I always shared from my own, I hope that I shared from a place of tremendous clarity, because I did, and I would like to guide somebody else in being able to do that. And why would I do that? I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to be hired by somebody to do anything. But build a website, design your logo, and do your branding. But your branding is part of your personal story. And as I’m learning from Christo, your personal story is a very important part of who you are. I don’t want to make the suggestion, oh, you should share your story and air your dirty laundry. That’s that’s not what I’m doing. And I’m very clear on that. I think a lot of times people feel like if they share their memories, which is basically sharing their story, that they’re revealing too much about themselves. And I’m here to say that I thought sharing the fact that I had an affair, that I had a drug problem that I got out of bad relationships that I, you know, decided that alcohol wasn’t working for me, nobody thought anything bad. Nobody stopped doing business with me because I shared my story. In fact, nobody probably cared. Like kidding, they probably didn’t care, they may have had a level of curiosity about my life, because I know that when I watch, let’s say YouTube, and I watch people’s vlogs, or their stories are getting shared, I’m interested in them. And then I close the computer, and I forget about them until the next time that they share something. So there’s this maybe this belief that Oh, I can’t share your story on the internet. It’s too personal. Well, maybe maybe it is personal. And maybe it is too personal. And maybe that’s not the right story, to tell or to share, you know, but I feel like there’s something else calling to me and I’m not sure what to do with it. You know, I think there’s not a better story to tell. But I think I have the power and the the gift of experience of sharing a story that is considered to be private, personal and, you know, one that I would have never thought to do and in my past that could help other people share their story. You know, you can listen to my story all you want, but your own story is certainly from your own memories, and how you articulate it, what platform you use, what you say, how much you say, You know what you can reveal what you should reveal. How do you how do you go back and pull from all of those memories in your in your arsenal? You know, I didn’t I don’t think my story that I decided to share on the internet had any sort of chronological order to them because mine were about topics you know, like clarity and alcohol and wellness. And I’m just like, I’m just pulling from my memory bank, you know, but I want to do more. I like recording, it’s easier for me in many ways than, you know, sitting at the desk and typing. Because what happens for me, when I start typing, and keeping a journal, I get really caught up in the grammar, and then I start correcting and perfecting, and then I never actually get my thoughts out, you know, so this is a, this is definitely a place of, you know, a seed in the making. But it’s, it’s growing a little bit, because it’s something I’ve been thinking about for for quite a bit. But this is the first time I’m actually talking about it. And I’d be curious to know if anybody would actually care, and I wouldn’t do it, because somebody else needs it, I would do it because I think it has value. And eventually somebody else might need it. And it might help somebody.

And as I think back on my memories, you know, I I’m not, it’s not like I’m at the end of my life, but I definitely feel like I have a lot of experiences. And those memories are pretty powerful, you know, you could play a song and go right back into that place that wherever you were, or, you know, you could smell something cooking on the stove, there you are right back in that memory. And I shared 50, you know, up to this point 50 episodes of all my memories. And I’m really grateful that they’re out here on the internet, which is surprising to say because of how personal they are. And at the time, a year ago, when I started recording, I thought, Oh, God, you know, like, who am I going to hurt again, I didn’t want to do that. And so far, so good. And I do think that my children are aware of this podcast, whether they’ve listened, I don’t know. And that’s okay for them to not listen, it’s okay, if they want to listen, it’s okay if they don’t want to listen. But what I am hoping is that it might spark some of their memories. And I recognize that they may not be good memories, and who wants to think of bad memories. However, a bad memory can be the impetus for a conversation or the catalysts for a conversation, that can be the impetus for change, it’s a better way to put it, you know, I, I, I get it. I know that people bury their bad memories. They just don’t want to experience anything painful over and over and over again. And you know, I remember, I remember when I was recording the earlier episodes of marriage, infidelity and addiction, those were the first three. And we they were the hardest, because they were the first three, you know, they brought me back at a time and it was really painful. And I was very glad that it was over. Because I have said this probably in every episode that the second I finished recording and error it and upload it, I feel better, because I’m not sitting with the same narrative. Now I’ve told it, and if you want to have a further conversation about it, that’s fine with me Go right ahead. I’m okay with it. You know, I’m at a different place in my life where I can handle a lot that gets thrown at me, I’m not saying I won’t have the same sort of, you know, physical reaction that we have, you know, our heart, heart starts racing, maybe we start sweating and get sweaty palms, we get nervous. But I have learned to bite my tongue a little bit and not defend anything, especially somebody else’s memories in what they want to share. Because what I’ve learned, and I have the beauty of being alone, you know, in a room with a microphone, where I don’t have to defend myself here. I am open and you know, happy to have a conversation. But I certainly do not have to defend myself when I’m recording. So if somebody else is going to have a conversation about their memories, I can say yeah, I feel free to share and I don’t have to defend myself in that they can share and they get to have the floor. And that’s what that’s what sharing your story is about. It’s about sharing your memories and sharing your feelings. Because your feelings are about the things that you’re going through whether you’re in the moment or you’re sharing it from a place of your past. You know, in hindsight, there’s a lot that can be done here with it. And I like I like the stories I like listening to people’s success stories. I like people who share their stories of boy I really made all these bad mistakes in my life yet I’ve come out of it healthfully and happily, with newfound understanding and freedom about what even being alive means. Yeah, makes a big difference. So yeah, I’m thinking about writing this book. And I’m not going to write a book the way traditional people write books, I may record this book, and I’m thinking about it being an I need to feel like, I can make a difference, I want to make a difference. And I’m not going to make a difference just sitting here talking about doing this, I have to do this. And I feel like it will make me more, I don’t know, I, I’m, I’m bothered by the fact that I kind of gave myself 52 weeks, and I’m really happy that it’s ending.

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Because every week that I do it, I feel great. But every week I do it, I think I have to record an episode. And it’s different, you know, podcasts are, they are more challenging than people believe you, you have to show up. And you have to keep a consistency about what you’re sharing in your in the integrity and, and even some of the humility that comes along with it. And you know, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for people who have guests on their podcast, or they have to go into spaces with, you know, equipment set up. And I know that some podcasts are more like radio shows, that’s a little different. This is not a radio show. This is me sharing my entire life on the internet, and I want to help somebody else, learn how to do it, too. Because I learned a lot in the last year, I want to do this. I feel like this is a way for people to get to know me in a way that I feel comfortable. And I think there’s a story in all of us. I think that creativity is something that if if somebody isn’t quite sure how to tap into there are all kinds of ways to do that. And I think that a lot of people say the same thing. I want to share my story. I want to help somebody, I want to make a difference. And I’m here to say you know what, I want to show somebody else how to do it. And that is what I think I’m going to do for season two. So that’s all I got. All right. Well, if you like this or any other episode of Don’t lose your balance, you can share it you can download it, you can even write me a review, I’d appreciate that. I also have a website, which is Don’t lose your balance.com and I have two accounts on Instagram. One is Mallory underscore Duric. And the other is Don’t lose your balance M S D. That’s Mary Sam and David. I hope today tomorrow and always you don’t lose your balance and I look forward to hearing how you didn’t lose your balance along your life’s journey. And we’ll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.