Episode 9: Choice

Hello, everyone, thank you so much for returning to Don’t lose your balance. I’m Mallory Durrick, and I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about my life that turns and the roadblocks along the way. And also the wins I’ve experienced, which has led me to where I am today happy, healthy, sober, and living a good life and a good life that makes me happy.

01:13

As mentioned before, I don’t have any extreme highs or any extreme lows, just a balanced life. And I’ve been thinking a lot today. I’ve been thinking a lot about choice choosing is something we do every day, we choose what to eat, what to drink, when we do them and who we do them with. Sometimes we follow our gut. And other times we don’t. It’s been my experience that when I don’t follow my gut, I make a lot of mistakes. And that makes me think about what is actually a mistake? I could look back on the times that were not looked at as positive or a time I didn’t follow my gut because it didn’t work out for me. But then I think that it’s led me to exactly where I am right now, right here and I’m recording this podcast because of it. I may not be living the life that I had planned for myself. But then I don’t really think I had some master grand plan. My family. And the people along the way may have been really hurt. And I’m sure for some they were and they also have moved on. And I am sorry that they were hurt. But I am very grateful that they have moved on, you know, they too have made choices. And they have chosen different people along the way, just like I have. It’s really interesting to me that anything I’ve done, any choice I have made would have either been favorable to one person, but maybe have been negative to another.

02:37

So how do you get it right? Is your life yours to live? Well? Of course it is. But unfortunately, if children are in the mix, they often feel as if they’re brought into this world to have you live your life for them. And in some ways you are they are your responsibility. And hopefully you get it right most of the time. I often why I often wonder why the negative choices seem to be overlooked by the positive ones, they outweigh the positive ones. And shouldn’t that be the other way around positive should outweigh the negative. And they should be choices of positivity that are honored and embraced? But in my life, that hasn’t always been the case. There has been so much focus on negativity, that it’s hard to see or be accepted for anything positive that I have done.

03:28

When I look back on my addiction, I would understand why all the people would find complete negativity in that. I even see it that way too. It is very negative. And I should never have been accepted for all that chaos. But what about the sobriety? Why am I not accepted or commended by some for my sobriety? You know, I made a very positive and an impactful choice to be sober, to be healthy, to be alive and to be most of all present. Unfortunately, that hasn’t really been accepted by other people. And I’m not sure what to do with that. So I have to keep remaining conscious about my sobriety about being present, and I am really healthy and I am alive. Despite being 100% alone, I’m not as sad when I was with others; drinking and partying and choosing all that bad shit. You know, I don’t know if I was actually accepted for that either. But for some It was probably more familiar. You know, it’s easier to say negative things about the people that are often looked at as negative or ugly in your eyes because you are just so used to it. When you make a choice, you aren’t always sure.

04:38

Let’s use a job for example, you choose a job, you take a job that you’re offered, and then you feel like something isn’t quite right. But you stay in that job and you pray that God has a bigger plan for you. After all, you know the job came into your life for a reason. Surely there is a positive place on the other side. It’s just something you have to get used to but what if that job isn’t a job that makes you happy? Then you would say you should get a different job. You deserve to have a job that makes you happy, right? Your friends, your family will all tell you this, go get a new job, okay, so you do and maybe that’s the right choice. And maybe it isn’t.

05:16

So let’s spin this, let’s replace the word job with the word partner. You don’t like your partner, and maybe you’re not happy. Maybe you love your partner, but you don’t like your life with your partner. Maybe you have no idea why you’re unhappy, because everything looks great on the outside, but you are dead inside, you are completely lost and lonely and unhappy. So you make a decision, you make a choice, you divorce, you cheat, you lie. You do all kinds of things that you would never do, but something is pulling you. Something is saying, you don’t like this life. So make a new life. Not unlike the job scenario, you look for a better life, maybe it’s just a better way of life. Maybe you need to stop doing things that your partner does, because you didn’t realize that it was bad for you. Contrary to what I believed, for a very long time, alcohol didn’t suit me well, and every day I drank was just another day that was either a good day or a bad day. I even remember my ex-husband said to me once and he repeated this, he could never be with somebody that didn’t drink wine. I can’t even believe I’m telling you this, wine was glorious. It was what we had with dinner, I’d cook with it, it’s fruity and oak-y, and buttery and smooth. But ultimately, it’s still full of sugar and it’s super toxic for the body because it’s alcohol and alcohol is toxic. So choosing to drink was more like a bad habit and an expensive one at that. And every day I chose alcohol was one more day that I was not sober. It never occurred to me through the years that people didn’t drink every day, I thought everybody drank every day, I’d go to my parents house, we’d have wine. I’d be on the phone with my sister, we’d have wine. I’d be dealing with my kids, I’d have wine. Every day, I chose to drink wine and then at the end vodka, it was one more day that I made another bad choice. But those choices led me to this life. And this life is a happy life.

You know, I love my life, I feel very, very present and my creativity is better than ever. I really love the space in which I live, not every single day is a great day. But the better days so outweigh the sad days of my past. But I do have some regrets because of my choices. I still remain disconnected from my adult children. And I don’t think I can fix it. But I’m surely connected to my mother. And she’s delighted that I am the way I am. Healthier, happier and more stable. I know as she listens to this podcast, she’s likely feeling extremely uncomfortable at times. But she can’t deny that there is a wonderful sense of positivity now happening for her daughter. Finally, I’m focused, I’m content. I’m not rich and like I’ve said, I don’t have much but I have enough. So I’m okay.

08:14

So how we choose who we choose what we choose may not work for every person, we can’t make everyone happy. We’re supposed to make ourselves happy. And I don’t know too many people that lived perfect lives. If they didn’t stray in their relationships. maybe they suffered in other ways. You know, just because it’s not self inflicted, doesn’t mean they didn’t have pain. You know, I wish I could have done things differently. In some ways. I wish I could have been healthier. And I wish that I really understood that it took two people to make a marriage work. And it also took two people to destroy it. I should have been more insistent that my ex husband and I went into couples counseling and family counseling. I should have been more present to be able to make sure that our children got what they needed from a therapeutic standpoint, not just from financial stability, but also from an emotional stability. And I just don’t think that I gave them the tools and the skill set to understand that counseling is a good thing and not one of weakness.

09:20

You know, last I checked, I shut up a lot, but they probably don’t remember that I chose a path that may not have been the best for them. But I don’t know maybe it was I don’t know, I just know, here I am. And here’s where I’m going with all of this. You’ll choose and you may fuck it up for others and you may even fuck it up for yourself. But it may just take you to a place where you’re happier, healthier, and how can that be a bad thing? People may not like the choices you make and they may actually hate your changes.

09:52

I will say this, I’m better. I’m freer. I’m all the things that people wanted of me. My sister said you’re the Mallory I remember and I’ve been waiting 20 years for this Mallory. Hopefully the people that haven’t yet accepted me, maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But I will say it’s really sad and it’s really their loss. Because having me at my best, there’s nothing better than that. There just isn’t. And I know when I’m at my best, so whoever’s out there waiting for me, I don’t know who you are, but I look forward to finding you one day.

10:27

If you found value in this or any episode of Don’t lose your balance. Why not follow me here or find me on Facebook, I actually have a page is called Don’t lose your balance. I’m also on Instagram, which is don’t lose your balance. M S. D, Mallory, Sam, David. You also have a website where you can read the transcripts and learn more about me and find resources for getting help along your journey of life. I’ll see you next time on Don’t lose your balance and I hope you choose today the path that brings you joy and health and wealth, not only the financial kind, just the one of balance. Go make a good choice. See you next time.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.