Episode 14: Codependent

Welcome to the 14th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I’m very happy you’re here to share this journey with me. I often say I’m no expert or even a therapist. I’m just a person that has lived 50 plus years making a lot of mistakes. along the way. I have accomplished a lot. But I also recognize my responsibility for my failures, which had me thinking about last week’s episode entitled judgment which led me to blame. After scripting much of this episode, I realized it’s not about blame the original intended title, it’s actually about co-dependence, I was a codependent. And I will get to that in a minute.

01:32

When I make a mistake. I don’t blame someone else. I blame myself for either moving too swiftly or not swiftly enough, because I don’t have enough life experience and hope that that error makes me better the next time I am faced with a similar task or problem. But what about life lessons, mistakes we make in relationships, parenting and friendships? In looking back in my history, can I assign blame? Or do I have to look in the mirror every single time and take ownership for all the failures? A little bit of both, actually. I will own the fact that that I likely controlled others for my own personal benefit. And I will also own that I likely molded myself into other people’s world, an idea of me to be loved and to be accepted. I wanted to be wanted. And I also wanted to be happy. But ultimately I found myself in a rather interesting predicament. For all intents and purposes, I wasn’t happy. So I was reaching for things, finding happiness in others; in addictions, in apologies for mistakes I didn’t make. For not being enough or even being too much. In all of the chaos and confusion, I learned what I really want, how to live life on my terms, and not because it’s expected of me. This podcast will air tomorrow. Therefore, if you’re listening, it’s been nine weeks since it all began from an idea to hiring a coach to scripting and recording Episode 14. This one! If it’s still up, and I do the math correctly, it’s four months from conception. It’s November, isn’t it? This is me talking to the future. It would be nice to have a crystal ball, wouldn’t it? Something I could see happening before it’s happened, especially with this podcast. What am I looking to achieve here? Or worse? What have I done? Today I’m not sure maybe by the time this episode airs, I’ll have a much better understanding, and if another mistake or mistakes have been made, I’ll learn again. And isn’t that what life is about, learning? And before I get too deeply into the rest of the episode, I want to make myself very clear. This is me sharing my story about my life and what I’ve learned along the way to help me find balance. I’m not coaching or instructing or telling anyone what to do or how to live. Hopefully, by listening to my journey, you’ll extrapolate what you can for yourself and find your own balance. When I think about the blame game, to be clear, I am not looking to assign blame. But I am looking for ownership and responsibility. I’m looking for all the players to own their share and the contribution to and in my life. That includes friends, men, married men, bad boyfriends, bad dates, bad friends, bad choices. And most of all the exes I’ve encountered in my life, plus anyone else along the way. The one thing I cannot do is take on more responsibility of anything that isn’t about me. I’ve taken the lion’s share of the demise of my marriage. You’re all thinking what I know everyone thinks, once a cheater always a cheater. No! Or I got what I deserved. Nope. I created the life of luxury and I created the life of poverty. Yes. But the breakdown of the relationships are not all About Me, the parts where people point fingers and assign blame, I’ve taken it all. But it’s still not all about me. I’ve even taken ownership of the shitty relationships I have with my kids. I’m terrified of even saying that.  But they need to start showing up. Stop listening to the voices in their heads. I don’t know what those voices are, but I can certainly speculate. You’re just like your mother. I bet they’ve heard that sounds really negative. And you know what I hope they are like me, that means all the good qualities they inherit and the talent and hopefully learn not to take the paths I’ve taken.

05:38

I have a skill set that is un-compromised. I have a passion. I have two fucking degrees. And one I got in my 50s, a culinary arts degree. I even got through organic chemistry, not because I had to. But because I had chosen that stupid course that nearly broke me. And quitting was just not an option. There is not one task that has been set before me in my lifetime, that I couldn’t tackle if I put my mind to it. Even recovery. When I think about it, I can’t imagine I ever had so much power to impact so many others. There was no way that I could control the future of so many lives. So the blame game yeah, that ends today. I’ve spoken about blame in the past and realize that yes, I am in so many ways at fault. I’m at fault for the infidelity and I am 100% at fault for the addiction. Blame me for every choice I have made and for every decision that has brought me to the place I am in now. I’m okay. And I’m happy and I’m balanced. But I have to look at others and ask are they to blame? Are they complicit? Were they co-contributors to the demise of my marriage? My personal relationships, my wealth, the things I had or lack thereof? 100%?

06:59

Yes. But they may never own that. And that’s okay. They may never see that. And the truth is, I can’t control that either. And that’s okay, too. It is so easy to deflect your shit onto others. This person doesn’t like me, I don’t like them. They are dangerous. Stay away. I find all of this very intriguing because after today, I spoke with someone I said, you know, I’ve taken all the heat. I was in relationships, and I’ve taken all the responsibility. I don’t recall anyone else stepping up and saying yes, I am equally responsible for my share of the failed marriage, the affair the breakdown of the relationship. So I continue to be the one in the space that says it’s all my fault. But you know what, it’s it’s not all my fault. It’s 100% my responsibility my share. But not the only one to blame for the breakdown of everything. I’m not toxic. I am however codependent and codependent no more as melody Beatty said when I read those books many decades ago and only finally realized recently.

08:10

And you know what that’s taught me? It’s taught me a little bit about being really fearful of getting involved. Being alone is safer for me, because I can’t be hurt and I can’t do the hurting. But is that balanced? I’m not sure. I’m in a better headspace and in a really good place. But I am beginning to question if it’s sustainable. I want to talk about codependent behavior because this may help me to recognize the blame and it al. A simple Google search helped me to stumble on the following:  the core symptom of co-dependence is the loss of a sense of oneself. That’s about right. A person who is truly codependent finds that virtually all of their thoughts and behaviors around revolve around another person or a set of people in their life. Husband boyfriends lovers. Yep, that’s about right again. These are some of the common signs of codependent behavior.  Taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. Worrying or carrying the burden for others problems.  Covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices. Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval. Feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs. Manipulating others responses instead of accepting them at face value. Being suspicious of receiving love and not feeling worthy of being loved.  In a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect. Trying to solve someone else’s problems or trying to change someone, like being directed by external rather than internal cues the should do versus the want to do. Enabling that’s a big one, someone to take our time or resources without our consent. neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves.

10:08

I’d say I can check off every single one of those line items. I pulled all of this from the psych central .dotcom website and I will continue, many feel they will lose who they are if they are not codependent. However, that’s not usually the case. In reality, we become more ourselves when we are less of what others expect from us. To come out of codependence is a huge gift we give to ourselves. The victory of growing away from it will balance out our responsibility to ourselves and to others. The key to repairing and ending codependency is to start protecting and nurturing ourselves. That might sound like a selfish act, but it will return us to a place of balance. Others will understand that we now respect and are protecting ourselves from over commitment or abuse. If a person doesn’t understand, they may not be someone who is open to growth in their own relationships. A person can learn to become less codependent and regain a sense of self and independence in their own lives. It usually takes working with a therapist to effectively do this. However, since the behaviors of codependency were learned over many years, it takes time and practice to apply healthy behaviors. And it’s taken me the better part of I don’t know a couple of decades to really understand this. As I think back, it actually took me until this year to really get it. I needed one more fucking trauma in my life to do the unthinkable. I had to walk away from someone I so dearly love to protect my boundaries, because I just can’t be accountable or held liable for the happiness and well being of others, before I put myself first, I am not a punching bag. I learned I can never find peace and most importantly, balance, If I don’t put my oxygen mask on first take a higher road and say no. You know what’s really interesting? I’m shocked to see how many books are actually written about this. How many blogs and Google search results come up? I wonder does it ever really stop the self doubt the questioning of Am I doing the right thing? What am I looking for? God? What is the meaning of life? The truth is I don’t know. But I do know that I want to be commended for bravery,even if I’m the only one that pat’s me on the back and says, good job. I want to be honest and thought of as trusting because innately I am very trusting. Despite cheating, I didn’t break trust. Meaning I was already disconnected from my ex husband told him so and too scared to do anything about it. Meaning what should I have done Leave, leave my kids walk out. I stayed because the options were minimal. But I did self destruct. And I’m wondering now if I had left my husband all those years ago, would the drugs have entered my system? Or like other single women? Would I have been just like them? I was terrified of all the talk and of the destruction and it didn’t matter. The destruction happened anyway. So here we are, and what have I learned?

13:11

It starts with me, I have to understand and own all of the actions and behaviors and really evaluate how I got there. I need to look at myself and say you did what you did for you and you. I stopped worrying about what everybody else was doing and focused on my own balance. I learned that I can choose to engage or not engage, I can make decisions that are right for me. And if they’re right for me, and I’m happy, how can that be bad for the people that I love. There’s a difference when I write this about being selfish and giving self love.

13:42

I’m not sure when or if others I love will ever accept the choices and the decisions. But that’s really their loss and not mine. My life is not a movie. It’s just my life. And for whatever time I have left to be here, I’m going for it, taking control and saying yes and also saying no. Finding peace and balance is becoming a habit and a daily practice. And for that I am immensely grateful. And I hope you find it too if you haven’t already.

14:12

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Don’t lose your balance. If so follow me download it, share it with someone you know that might find value from it. I have a website Don’t lose your balance dot com, and I am on Instagram with two accounts. One is called Don’t lose your balance MSD that’s May, Sam, David, and the other is Mallory underscore Durrick. Thanks again for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and look forward to hearing your feedback about how you live your most balanced and authentic life.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.