Episode 40: Confidence

00:07

Well, hey, everybody, welcome to the 40th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Today’s topic is about confidence, lacking confidence, gaining confidence, finding your own confidence, not knowing if you’re confident knowing if you’re confident, I’m gonna run through all of it. And what’s really interesting about this is that I already recorded this episode, and I am on a new microphone. So if it sounds a little different, you know, that’s great. I hopefully it’s better. And I recorded, I don’t know, 15 minutes of it. And I was very confident with everything that I said, and then I went to look at the recording, and it was gone. Yikes. It’s okay. I don’t mind re recording it, you know, part of this podcast. And part of doing this podcast is not just recording for the sake of recording. But it’s also for building up new skills and understanding that I need to be able to approach things in a healthy positive way. And sometimes this is going to happen. So when I first started this podcast, you know, I wasn’t even remotely confident. I didn’t even really think about doing a podcast until I went through this experience. And I’ve talked about this a lot. But I went through this experience. And I thought, How am I going to get all of these feelings that I have inside of me out and get rid of them and change the narrative and be more confident with many of the things that I’m doing. And I could only think of one way to do that, which was this podcast. I didn’t know what to expect from any of it. But I knew that if I did it strategically, meaning if I did it the right way for myself and didn’t necessarily throw anybody under the bus. And if I owned all of what I was going to say, then the outcome would be considerably different than if I just you know, ranted, which you know, I wasn’t going to do so my confidence with this podcast was really low in the context of what it would do. For me, I had an idea in my head of what it would look like how I would share it on social media, what I would talk about how I would organize the episodes, and for many of them, they were all scripted, especially in the very beginning, and I’d record them and then I’d listen back and I would edit them. And that was fine. I did all of those things. And that worked. For me, what is very interesting is that as I built up my confidence in what I was doing here with a podcast, now I’m able to just record without really thinking too much about what I’m saying. I mean, I’m not learning, I’m not reading anything from a script. And I think you can tell when something is being read from a script. And I feel like there’s something powerful about sending out a message of just speaking and organizing your thoughts in your head. Because when you’re out in the universe, when you’re out in the wild, and you’re in front of a group of people, you need to be able to confidently think on your feet. And I think doing this format in this way has helped build that skill set. So I know that there are people out, maybe listening to this podcast and thinking I’d like to have a podcast, maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But I will say that whenever we start something new, we don’t always enter into whatever that might be confidently that is something that happens. Through practice, we get more confident the more we get more skilled with something the more we do something the more we practice, whatever that might be, we start to build this level of confidence. And you know, there’s something great about saying that out loud. One of the things that I can honestly say I can walk into a crowd of people and feel very not confident, meaning I am just not comfortable. I might maybe I’m thinking of it as something that I’m not confident but perhaps it’s just that I don’t like being in a group of people. One thing that I can say that has really helped to build confidence is my time on clubhouse and sharing my life story on this podcast and speaking and learning to be open about what I’m saying thinking a little bit more because it might not be my turn yet and also listening to others that helps build my car confidence. I know when I’m listening, and I know when I’m not listening, and if we’re always so dead set on getting out our thoughts without listening to other people’s thoughts, we are really, we’re self contained. And it’s not a very good way to be listening, being open to other ideas and how people are approaching their life very important and helps to build a great skill set. So confidence is not something I think a lot of people are born with. Some people may have developed a level of confidence very early on in their lives, I am not one of them. Despite how my family may have looked at me thinking that I could do anything that I put my mind to I 100% would agree with that. But did I do it confidently? No,

05:47

I always felt a little bit like I was in the shadow of somebody else, maybe I wasn’t a very strong leader, I don’t think I’m actually very good leader to begin with. And even to this day, I don’t think I’m a very good leader, I think that I swim better in small ponds, meaning I like to be a big fish in a small pond, as opposed to a small fish in a big pond, I don’t really like getting lost inside of an environment, I don’t feel really great and confident when I have to insert myself into a situation that I’m really not 100% sure about why I’m there, or how I need to behave, or how I need to work that lack, I’m gonna say there was a lack of confidence in my work environment, the only one I really felt super confident in when I first started was one when I was in my 20s. And I lasted in that job for well over four years. And then I had a baby. And then I would be this young mother who would be at these events with my ex husband. And people will say, Well, what do you do, and there were working mothers there, and I didn’t really do anything other than be a mother. And at the time, I’m sure people still feel that way. If you weren’t a working mother, you know, baby, that was a good thing. Maybe it wasn’t. But I didn’t feel like saying, Oh, well, I’m just a mom or just a mom. See, it has this negative connotation. So I wasn’t even really that confident didn’t mean I was unhappy. It just meant I wasn’t very confident when I was in a group of people and having to share what I did. What I did was not that interesting to them. So therefore, I did not feel that confident. It wasn’t until I started to become a little bit more entrepreneurial. And I started to make jewelry and I started to sell my jewelry that I started to build that confidence. Again, you know, it’s really interesting when people I talked to you from high school, talk about me in high school, they have said to me, God, you were so bubbly and a cheerleader, and you just, you know, walk down the hall. And they may have thought I was confident I don’t think I felt confident. And I’m not afraid to say that because I do think my lack of confidence, which didn’t really get tapped into or did I become aware of this may have impacted some of the decisions that I made with the drug addiction with the infidelity with a lot of the things that I was doing, because I was looking for some sort of confirmation about who I was and what I’m meant and how I mattered because I wasn’t internally confident enough to say that I was okay. So I went outside of myself looking for the internal, you know, checkmark, yep, you’re, you’re this and I didn’t get it. Or maybe I got it, and then it would go away. I don’t want anybody else to ever go through that, you know, building your own confidence. Yeah, you can read a book, you can listen to podcasts, you can follow and try to emulate people that you admire. These are all very, very powerful things. And I encourage everybody to go out and do those things. But one of the best things I could say, if anybody was ever asking me about how did I build competence to talk about my life so openly. And honestly, in a podcast on the internet, I would say practice, it took a lot of practice to get to the point where I can maybe belt out an episode, record it, edit it, create the social media posts, the email that goes along with it, add it to my website, and then I’m done. I’m done for the week that took practice. In addition to hiring a coach, I know that there are people who would say you don’t need to hire a coach, I did need to hire a coach. I didn’t know anything about anything when it came to having a podcast and when I met this person on clubhouse. I liked her a lot and she was a really good strong guidance for me or eight weeks as I was trying to amp this up and ramp this up. I should say I needed her. I needed her to not telling me what to do. Or maybe tell me maybe perhaps what not to do and that built up a lot of confidence. She

09:54

also said to me, you know Mallory, you’re you’re kind of a natural It wasn’t until I recorded my voice and listen back that I started to think, well, I don’t know about being a natural at it. And I’m not somebody who likes to talk, which is really interesting, because this is just me and just a microphone. But I do like to feel empowered. And when I record an episode, I do get that feeling of empowerment where I’ve shared as openly and honestly as I can I practice through everything that I am sharing right now. And I hope that that is conveyed in each and every episode that I create. So I noticed that there are people who are online and they teach confidence courses, or they share confidence tips, all such great stuff. And some of them I feel like, well, they don’t seem very confident. But that’s okay. Because I thought to myself, well, even if somebody is not very confident, but wants to teach confidence, they may have this ability to see something in somebody else and help them identify with many of the things that they themselves may identify with. You know, I am not somebody who could actually teach a competence course. But I will say that if somebody came to me and they said, Hey, listen, I want to have a podcast, what do I need to do, I can confidently say to them, this is what you need. This is what you don’t need, here is how I did it, you might want to think about doing this for yourself. And what has happened for me is I took this you know, this podcasts and from from zero from nothing. And I became very confident week over week over week, when I was recording an episode, I didn’t get overly focused on whether or not each of these episodes were that great did did they sound like I was stumbling did I have all these arms in the process of all of them. And I don’t know some of them might have some of them got edited out. But they do seem to have a flow to them, which I am thrilled about. As a result of doing the podcasts, I also gained a sense of confidence in the way I speak and the way that I sound and the way I compose my thoughts and how I want to be conveyed out there in the wild. You know, it was very hard for me, I guess it was last year when I started going on Instagram. And I started you know, speaking into my phone, and it was really hard because I really couldn’t see because I didn’t want to wear my glasses. And you know, obviously somebody had said to me, oh, you should get on camera. So I would throw a filter on and guess the filter made me feel more confident. And I would recommend that to anybody, but not to the point where you’re almost hiding behind a filter to be able to share who you are, we do not want to share our lives, at least I don’t looking like it’s some kind of a highlight reel. And I’ve talked about that a lot in let’s say the gratitude room, you know, we know that people only want to share what they want you to see. And not everybody wants to see the ugly, ugly stuff. But they do want to see a balance and a mix of what is good and what is not so good, because then you become more relatable, more human. And I think there’s a lot of value in that you know what else there is this wonderful level of confidence that can occur when you get yourself on camera. When you speak into a microphone, when you share yourself on clubhouse openly and honestly and sharing your insight about your profession or your business or your personal life, not to the point where you’re just talking, talking, talking and not listening to anybody else. But having a regular conversation. That is something that comes with practice. And I say that because it came with practice for me, I may have pretended that I was confident in a lot of things that I did. And you know, maybe I was a good actress, I don’t know. But I didn’t always feel that way inside. And I knew that it was very, very hard for me. But I also didn’t want people to think that I wasn’t confident. You know, when you go on a job interview, for example, you want to look like you know what you’re talking about. And you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about. And so you’re in this interview, and you feel very strongly about the things that you say, and you know how they say fake it till you make it. I don’t love that because I like to admit when I don’t know something so that somebody can help me and then I can learn I am very confident in my business in what I do for my clients. I am very confident when I’m building out a website. I’m very confident I’m getting better at my competence when I’m working on illustrations and designs and paintings and things like that. Because I know that with practice, I’ll get better and better. I am not presenting my work and hearing this judge and jury or even a teacher say you suck they’re not doing that. And if a client doesn’t actually love what I do, they’re going to tell me and then I’m going to make it better for them but

14:49

I give it everything I’ve got and I’m confident when I say to a client I can help do this for you. I can build out this website I can design your logo I can help you with Your marketing messaging and your branding, I say that confidently because I know that I can do it, I see what other people are doing. And I know that I can do it just as well, if not better, and I can still learn to improve if I’m not as good as other people. So you know, this is something that develops internally, you know, you’ve got to figure out what you are good at, and run with that and recognize that you have all of this to give to somebody else. If I go into let’s say, a organization where I’m freelancing, I may not be that confident. And it’s not because I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s because I don’t know how to ingrain myself into their culture, I just do not know how to insert myself into what they think I should do, or what I am supposed to do until I’m already doing it once I have more experienced within the organization, and then I start to build a level of confidence that I am going to fit right in. And you know what else can happen? It doesn’t matter how much time I spend in there, I already know, there’s no way that this is going to be long term that I’m my days are numbered. And that’s okay, too. I feel like I am a much better fish when I swim in you know, smaller waters, you know, big fish, small pond, as opposed to small fish, big pond, I don’t love being one of many, I like to be somebody who, and I’m not even saying I’m that great of a leader, but I like to be able to lead charge. And I don’t find myself feeling very confident and productive if I’m not in this particular role. So when I approach positions, when I approach opportunities, I have to continue to remember that saying no to an opportunity that isn’t going to be culturally a good fit will be better for my confidence. Because there’s nothing worse than going and doing something where you know, you’re capable of doing it. And then all of a sudden, you feel like you don’t know anything. And that’s just a horrible way to be. And I don’t want anybody to ever feel like that. And I don’t want to feel like that. So I also want to say that I think as we get older, we gain a level of confidence not only because of our experiences, but because we have experienced doing things repetitive over and over and over again, remember I said it’s like practice. So when I first set out to do something like pain I’m not gonna be confident with the more I do it, the more I practice, the more confident I will become because I have learned how to do things that I could never do the first time around. I wish that I had understood myself as much as I do. Now, I really truly do. I wonder and I know I can’t go back in time and have a do over. But I wonder if I really believed and understood that other people were walking around with same sort of doubts that I had, perhaps I would have been able to find more support, not just a therapist, but not go deeply inside of myself and say, well, this Vikon is going to make you confident because that’s what it did for me a lot of times where this glass of wine is going to help you insert yourself into this group of people and you’ll be not so uncomfortable with yourself.

18:11

I don’t think that people look at me and think to themselves, this is a non confident person, because I’m not shy, and I speak my mind. But inside of myself, Yes, I don’t always feel so great. And that is changing. That’s changing a lot when I make a statement in a crowd. And if I’m saying something to somebody else in a conversation, what I am speaking from my mind, and how I am speaking from my mind is with a sense of confidence because I feel like I do know what I’m talking about if they don’t agree with it that is on them. And I certainly can’t control that. I’m going to tell you I really do believe the clubhouse has done wonders clubhouse, which is an audio app is not dead. Despite how many people who have started on clubhouse feel about it. It is thriving just as much as it always has, except maybe it’s not new anymore, but it’s still giving back the same whatever you put back into it. And I say that confidently because I see people saying online, oh clubhouse is dead. And I’m thinking No, it’s not it’s growing, it’s changing is weeding out some of the people that only are there for personal gain and not there to build relationships. They have found other venues for themselves and that’s great and they are equally confident and I’ve even watched them grow and develop and nurture their personalities into these incredible people that you know in the beginning maybe they were maybe they weren’t but now they really shine clubhouse had an impact on that and I speak confidently that clubhouse is not dead and if you are listening to me from let’s say Instagram, I encourage you to come on to clubhouse come in to rooms Listen, find your people. Find your people who make you feel good about yourself who care about you who want to have, you know, normal conversations using your phone and see how that works out for you. I think that building confidence, like I said, is a skill set that everybody can improve upon. And you can learn to be your very best self within who you are innately who you are, and take all of these wonderful qualities about yourself and say, This is what I’m good at. And this is how I’m going to shine. And you don’t let anybody else make you feel badly about yourself. I know I’m not doing that. If somebody doesn’t like me, I can’t control that somebody doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, I can’t control that. But I have learned to tame or filter my thoughts quite a bit more. That’s also given me a sense of confidence. And you know, there’s something wonderful about being able to embrace this concept of confidence. And I am saying it over and over and over and over and over again for a reason because it’s developed and nurtured and embraced. And when you put your head down at the end of the day, and you feel good about who you are you won, you won in your own game. So that’s what I want to share about competence on this podcast. Okay, well, if you like this or any other episode of Don’t lose your balance, you can share it you can download it, you can even write me a review. You can follow me on Instagram, I have two accounts. One is Don’t lose your balance. MSD That’s Mary Sam David, and the other is Mallory underscore direct. I also have a website which is Don’t lose your balance.com I hope today tomorrow and always you don’t lose your balance and I look forward to hearing how you didn’t lose your balance along your life’s journey and I’ll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.