Episode 15: Control

Welcome to the 15th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Thank you for joining me, and I hope you’ve listened to the previous episodes and have found value. I just launched this podcast yesterday. And I am well ahead of my schedule in putting episodes in the queue. This makes sense for me and I hope it doesn’t or hasn’t been confusing for you. If so I’m going to suggest that in addition to going back to listen to them in order by episode, you also visit my website, don’t lose your balance dot com, then please come back to listen here on your favorite podcast platform. I am hoping there are also resources by now on the site as well as transcripts if you should need them. I’m hoping because the site went live yesterday along with the podcast. I was thinking today about control. And what does that mean, for me? I imagine I’ve done a lot of controlling or manipulating of others during my lifetime to get what I wanted or needed. Even if they were simple controls like what I would eat and serve to other people and also how I managed my children’s lives. Certainly that was my job. And I’ve absolutely lost my control during my lifetime, like when I got addicted to drugs and alcohol, and spending all that money. And of course when I strayed. So where’s the balance in all of that? And how does control differ from a manipulative perspective to gaining back balance and maintaining one’s own control of themselves? How did I manage to gain control over my life? I think it’s important to look back and figure out when or how I lost it in the first place. You know, truth is I’m not exactly sure how I lost my way or lost my control. But I sure do remember feeling really out of control during most of my 30s and into my 40s if not into my 50s. I felt like there was a lot of chaos inside my head. And I was completely at a loss on how to manage or navigate it all. I felt really alone, perhaps I was even embarrassed to look on the outside like I had everything went inside I was empty and broken. Even if I wasn’t alone, the people around me all looked like they had their shit together. I even remember thinking if I spoke up about it, I was likely feeling as if I was going to be seeking attention. So it was far easier and most of all safer to just I don’t know, shut the fuck up and figure it out. I’m sorry, that was my path. I really am. I am however one of the lucky ones, I was given a lot of chances to try and make things right. I was given one final chance to step up and say, you know, I’m done with the drugs and done with the alcohol. I’ll turn things around financially, I will hopefully make things right with my kids. And I pretty much have except for the kids. As mentioned previously, this is not within my control. I can only control the ability to be present healthy, happy, kind, compassionate and free. I can control myself. I cannot or will I ever once again control others. That means their opinions about me their judgment against me their attitude towards me, nope, not within my control. And you know what? It doesn’t matter? I’m good. And how in the world can that be bad?

04:13

I’ve spoken about postpartum depression in the past and I’ve also spoken about the medications that were prescribed. To me. I have mentioned that much of the medication that doctors prescribed I took and how it messed up my brain. I lost control over my medical well being many times actually. I recently read on Twitter about an influencer who is reaching out to her online community looking for guidance to help with her anxiety or postpartum depression and all of the feelings she described as I remembered feeling back 20, 25 years ago. I felt awful when I read this and I tried to reach out to her but I’m sure my message will never make it into her inbox. I hope it does. And I hope if it doesn’t, she finds peace.

04:59

I hope she finds balance. You know, in some ways, she’s lucky. She has a really strong online community of people that I believe truly care about her happiness. Not because they know her, but because she shared herself with them. And they could relate. They may never get close enough, but they can certainly understand her pain if they themselves have lived it just like me. I didn’t have an online community when I suffered so many years ago. My resources were far more limiting back in the day and being as resourceful as I am, I clearly learned how to self medicate, until I couldn’t do that any longerm either. I had let my life spin so out of control, I couldn’t find my way back to control or even to balance. You know, the doctors the pay to help but what about all the holistic methods and online remedies or advertisements for CBD oils and vitamins?

05:55

I question how one who is way out of control finds their way back if they are also overloaded with information. Maybe they find it the same way I do. Maybe so much time has to go by and if they’re lucky, they have spouses that help them partners, parents, friends. I remember the doctors when saying to me the only good medication Mallory is the one that works, huh, which one was that because I’m on a lot? And during that time, I felt more out of control then in control. No matter how much money I spent, how many doctors I saw how many hospitals I visited or stayed in, it didn’t matter. There was only one way I was making it to a balanced and healthy life. You know what else is really horrible to manage, the weekly appointments with those doctors, and the waiting for the next appointment, the lack of sleep, the up swings in the good days, and then barely being able to get out of bed on the bad days, the lack of control of that environment, if you can find a great doctor, keep them close.

07:00

What works for one person may not work for others, and it certainly didn’t work for me. So what then? They say to keep experimenting on the recommended drugs, the ones that provided instant gratification are addictive no matter how I approached them. And as we know, that got out of control. Additionally, for me, all the medication was out of control all of it until I took control and I let go of it. The addiction was a result of me really believing I’ll get a handle on it or I’ll simply worry about that later. The lines get really blurred you know people talk about stigmas and, and how we should be compassionate. But then I look around and I don’t see compassion or kindness in many places. I look. I don’t know, maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Or maybe I’m looking at things exactly as they are. Facebook groups, Instagram trolls, even the clubhouse community. I’ve witnessed some really crappy stuff. And I’m not judging. I’m simply sharing how I see it. And why it’s so important that I guard myself from being led down a dark tunnel. Even if I’m the one doing the leading. Maybe people like to talk about being sympathetic, but then their behaviors demonstrate otherwise, cruel comments online, ignoring meaningful callings, not supporting initiatives, because they either judge don’t agree may get judged for agreeing. I don’t know. A friend of mine described me as someone that stays in her lane. The truth is, I can see things very clearly when I look with open eyes and a controlled state of mind, a sober and controlled state of mind. It’s not that I stay in my lane. It’s really because I control the narrative. And I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way.

08:44

How then was I able to take control of my life? Well, very carefully and really slowly. I don’t think I lost control in one day. Time just got away from me. Losing control meant losing everything. I don’t believe for anyone that loss of control is a conscious choice. Maybe I had to go through everything I went through to get to a place of control, to finally find balance that made me happy. I had to learn and evaluate every action, reaction and decide what was ultimately best for me. That meant my work life, my personal life, my relationships with my partners, and that also includes my friendships. Being pulled in too many directions. Yeah, that’s not good for me managing money. I lost control of that too, until I stopped the bleeding and managed to wrap my head around what would work for me. Living with less gave me more control needing much less way better control. Not filling voids with stuff to get a handle of the control and most importantly, not comparing myself to others is a way to manage control. Trust me, it’s not always easy and people make it really hard when they are constantly sharing online. What they ate, who they ate with what they drank, who they drank with what they’re wearing, and where they bought it. The only way to control my reaction to that, to all of that is to stop looking and stop comparing, and to stop worrying about what everybody else is doing and focus only on what I’m doing.

10:22

And that leads me to boundaries. How about defining boundaries? How did I learn to control my boundaries? I wasn’t easy, because I had to evaluate every single part of myself that didn’t work to learn what would and it was hard. I was looking over my shoulder, I was spending years and years searching and not being able to find control or balance. I let go of people in my life and hung on to the others for the wrong reasons. I was scared a lot. I’m not justifying my choices, or my actions or my behaviors. I’m evaluating them to gain control of my life. And that’s very different. Let me tell you something, when I finally learned what control really meant and how it mattered, I just I just got it. And my parents, my parents are so happy to see me standing on my own, being balanced, alive and breathing. All the while open to the possibilities of greatness.

11:18

Maybe this is the meaning of life. I don’t know. But if it is, I think I’m in a very good place and whilenot every day is a great day. Every day is a pretty darn good day and that I can thankfully control. Okay, well I hope you enjoyed this episode of Don’t lose your balance. If so follow me, download it, share it with someone you know that you might think would find value from it. I have a website like mentioned Don’t lose your balance dot com. And I am on Instagram and I have two accounts. One is called Don’t lose your balance m s d that’s Mary Sam David, those are my initials. And the other is Mallory underscore Durrick. Thanks again for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and look forward to hearing your feedback about how you live your most balanced and authentic life.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.