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~ Fear …

00:00

Hey, everybody, welcome to the 32nd episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Thanks for joining me today. And I hope you’ve been listening. And I hope you’ve been enjoying all of these episodes as much as I’ve been enjoying creating them. Today I’m going to be talking about fear. Fear, it’s the worst, isn’t it? Fear drives everything fears, paralyzing fear makes you fight. Or sometimes it makes you flight. And I think we know that contextually. But I want to talk about a lot of the fear that has put me in a position of wanting to do something and then not doing it or doing something that didn’t always agree with somebody else’s belief of what I should do. And fear is something that I think is so hard to confront much of the fears that I go through happen a lot in my head. And then when I actually go through the event of whatever I’m afraid of, it’s far worse in my head than whatever happened in the real world. Way. And I know that that happens for a lot of people, I have a you know, fear of crowds. And I will say however, when I get into crowd, I am really colossally uncomfortable. I have a fear of making a mistake, but I don’t let that fear get in the way of me at least trying. I have a fear of more, I did have a fear of charging clients for my worth. This fear I carried for many, many, many, many years, until recently, until I decided that I’m actually skilled enough to do many things that that are deserving to be compensated for it. I’ve recently presented a proposal to a prospect that was double of what everybody else proposed. And I feel like should I have cut my costs when they said everybody else came in half from you? And I decided, no, I’m not afraid of not getting it. Because I know that if they hired me, they’d get every bit as much of the worth of what I pitch it up. I may not get the client, in fact, I likely not get the client. But I said to them, when they asked me if I wanted to sharpen my pencil, I said to them, you know, my price stands. And when you hire me, you hire all of me, and just me. So I didn’t let the fear that I would have had in my past get in the way of me being able to, you know, say this is what I’m worth, this is what it’s going to cost because it’s actually a huge project. There is a lot of data entry. And I know you don’t really probably care about this, but I think it’s relevant, because I wasn’t afraid to charge more. Because if I charge less, and I got the job, and there’s no guarantee that by charging less, they didn’t come to me and say, Hey, we want you to cut your rate. I just wanted to find out where the project was I said, you know, just checking in and they said they had sticker shock. That’s okay. And I realized that I might drop my price not even get the job and then I’ll be regretful that I even didn’t stick to my guns because I was too afraid of saying you know what? I’m worth it. A lot of fear comes with anxiety, you know, and I talked about anxiety in a previous episode, fear of flying fear of crowds, like I said, fear of going for what you really want in your life. And I think that one of the things that is the worst thing that we can do is to not try because we let fear get in the way, even in my recovery. My biggest fear was, well, there were a lot of fears in my recovery. But when I was really in the end of my addiction, and then going into my first steps of recovery, I remember the number one driving fear for me for recovery was not because I wanted to or because cuz I was afraid of letting go of, you know, the vikan I wanted out. My fear was pain. I think that the movies that show withdrawal, the way withdrawal looks the worst on in movies, and it is it is just as bad. And I was afraid of being physically in that, you know, I think we are afraid sometimes of going to the doctors because we’re afraid of what they’ll find. But if we don’t go to the doctor, and they don’t find, and they can, or we don’t find anything, because we don’t know, then there’s this other underlying fear. And that’s what a lot of a lot of this is in life. Look, we’re only here for a short period of time. And when I say short, the days, the days are, are long, but the years are short, right? We that’s I heard that for the first time. And I don’t want to let fear get in the way of a lot of things that I am doing. I’m not afraid to go out and do things. I’m not letting fear get in the way of that I’m making these decisions for myself that I feel that are right for me. But the decisions that I make may not always be right for other people. And there’s this element of fear that comes into my consciousness about well, what do I What do I do if somebody doesn’t agree with a decision that I make? And I have to be honest with you, I, I don’t know what to do with that. I want to make decisions that are right for me, not because it’s selfish. But because it’s the way I feel. I just feel that the decisions, and the choices that I am putting forth for myself is what’s right for me, at the end of the day, I’m the only one that can count on me. And I really mean that everybody else is going to worry about themselves. And I don’t want to let fear be a driving factor in anything that I do. And the reason I’m talking about it now, even though I have less fear today than I had many years before. I know that fear can creep its ugly head back into my life. And I don’t want to let that happen. I know that sounds odd, but I’m on a really good course.

07:10

And what do I do? Do I? Do I take the risks of letting fear creep its ugly head back into my life? Or do I say no, this is what’s working for me. I have this rhythm going. And yes, they’re going to be hiccups along the way. But I also have the ability to make choices. And I want to make the choices that I make for myself without guilt and without judgment, judgments, a biggie. And I don’t know how intertwined fear and judgment are. But I think we don’t make decisions that are right for ourselves because we’re afraid what other people will think so I guess that’s a judgment, I don’t want to do it. And I don’t want other people to do it. And I want to accept that people are going to make the choices that they make for themselves because of whatever is driving that bus for them. And I’m not going to be the one to be judging Shorey over saying, Well, what is right for what you do and what is wrong, I’m going to just worry about myself. And I say that with the best of intentions, and not from a selfish perspective. I also want to say, however, that I don’t want to let fear prevent me from taking wonderful risks. And I also don’t know, if presented with opportunities or options, how I would let fear be a driving factor in my penalization. I know in the past, you know, I might have had a swig of wine and had some courage that you know, a little bit of courage in that juice there. But taking on responsibilities, taking on opportunities, taking on new challenges. Don’t let fear get in the way. Because once you get past whatever you were afraid of, you may find you’re really good at it or you really enjoy doing something. And that is what life’s about. I can honestly say that somewhere along the line, I in the last few years recognize that all of these things, all of these topics that I’ve been talking about in this particular podcast, are just topics of human nature. And that human nature is really important for me to recognize that everybody goes through what I’m going through. Everybody goes through it different times, of course, and some people go through it differently than others. Some are better at it, some are worse at it. Some are going through deeper to therapy like I’ve been and some people read a lot of self help books that I used to do. And fear is one of those things that should never get in the way of you being able to embrace life for all that it is and to not feel badly about the things that you do that’s right for you. You know,

09:58

I feel sometimes pretty be awful, that some of the things that I talk about may have hurt somebody. I know I hurt people in the past, but I think a lot of people have hurt people. I never hurt one person intentionally, not one. And I mostly hurt myself. And I don’t want to be afraid of doing something. And my sister once said to me, Mallory, why are you afraid of doing this? And I didn’t really know why. And then I realized what it was, much of what I’m afraid of, is, what will people think? What will people say? And you know what I think, who cares, they’re not going to have that great of an impact on my happiness and my joy. Nobody has that much power, except for me over my own happiness, and my own joy. So what I have to remember is, every time that little fear bug gets into my head, I think to myself, well, what am I, what am I afraid of, I’m afraid of what somebody is going to say, I’m afraid of what somebody is going to think, I’m afraid, even in work, I sometimes don’t want to say something in front of a group of people. And this doesn’t happen a lot. Let me just say that. This, I’m never afraid to speak my mind when it’s me and a client ever, because I feel very empowered by my abilities. But when I’m with a group of people with a lot of different opinions, and a lot of different skill sets, I am afraid of saying something that either will offend somebody or be wrong, I don’t want to look like I don’t know what I’m talking about when I clearly do know what I’m talking about. And so I stay silent. And that doesn’t serve anybody. Because I might have a very important opinion, and an idea. And I need to let that come through with, you know, eloquence, as opposed to feeling like, oh, what will they think? Or what will they say? Or who am I to even share that? Well, clearly, I am empowered to have a position within an organization because somebody saw something that they believed I could add value. And I know that I can add value. But somewhere along the line, that fear rears its ugly head, I don’t want to say anything. So I end up saying nothing. Because I have I think it’s this is the problem. Because in the past, when I’ve said something, people don’t like to hear either the truth, or maybe they don’t like this the way I’ve said it, or they don’t like the tone. And I can’t worry about that. You cannot worry about what people are gonna think I cannot worry about what people think I cannot let fear get in the way of being able to live a happy and healthy life. I can’t worry about what somebody else may say, that is on them and not on me. And I want to stress this, because it’s paralyzing. And it’s an unfortunate if we allow it to come into our being. And I’m speaking from a place of, you know, almost 59 years where it never really occurred to me that I was fearful. Until I realized just how fearful I I, I really was because I didn’t take these risks, or I didn’t say what needed to be said. Because if I did say something, somebody else didn’t like it, somebody else was offended by it, somebody else’s agenda got in the way of whatever I felt wanted or needed. And I’m not letting that happen again, you know, 59 is not young, but 59 is not old. I don’t know how long I have to live on this planet. I don’t think we any of us do. And I want to say fear is a good thing. Because it’s your body’s way of telling you pause, you may or may not make the right decision. But those cues that you’re getting from your body will help you make a better decision. You know, I always say things like, well, that hair on the back of my neck is standing straight up, those red flags are flying, take off those rose colored glasses, because red can see through red, that kind of fear, all good. That kind of fear is an important thing to listen to. Conversely, when we’re just so afraid of doing anything, because we are so afraid of what people think. Then we need to pause and say either what’s the worst that can happen? Or what do I really want for myself? And why is it so wrong? In my mind, and I’m not sure that it’s in everybody’s mind. But why is it so wrong to do what’s right for yourself? It’s right for you. As long as it’s not wrong for somebody else. Is

14:58

that what it is? I don’t know. I’m certainly not afraid to say that. But that’s what it feels like, do what’s right for yourself is what people say, except if it’s wrong for somebody else. Well, that’s BS, I’m sorry, do what’s right for you to protect your peace, do what’s right for you, because it just feels right. And don’t, don’t do what’s right for somebody else, because that’s what somebody else tells you to do. Don’t be afraid to make your own decisions. Don’t be afraid to make your own choices that protect what you value. And I’ve talked about all of these things in the past. And this is where fear can come in so powerfully, because if we allow fear, to block us from positive choices for ourselves, from what we value, and all of that judgment, and all of that anxiety that comes along with it, which I’ve talked about, then we’re doing no good for ourselves. We’re no further along in growth and opportunity. So anyway, that’s what I’ve got. And I hope this is a helpful episode. I find myself in less fear these days. But that’s because I’m pretty isolated. And I like it that way. It’s horrible, but I do. And I hope that if you’re feeling fearful about something, taking a job, learning a new skill or speaking up for what you believe in, you do it with the courage of your convictions, and you say I’m not going to let fear prevent me from at least taking the risk because the outcome may be incredibly worth it. Okay, well, if you’d like this or any other episode of Don’t lose your balance. You can follow me share it, download it. You can also follow me on Instagram, I have two handles. The first is Mallory underscore Duric. And the other is Don’t lose your balance. M S D That’s Mary Sam, David, and I hope today tomorrow and always you don’t lose your balance along your life’s journey. I’ll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

About The Author

Mallory Durrick

Mallory Durrick

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.

Email Mallory