Episode 17: Forgiveness

00:53

Welcome to the 17th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I hope you’ve been enjoying this podcast. But if this is your first time here, I’d like to welcome you and suggest you go back to the first three episodes as this will help you to apply some context to the subject of forgiveness, along with the following episodes. If you like it binge it. As a human being we all make mistakes, we will make mistakes in our lifetime. And we will make poor choices. We cannot avoid mistakes. But we can look at how we impact others with our mistakes. This is part of life. And I’m grateful for these mistakes, because they have led me exactly where I am today. I’m not looking for something like a better job or a bigger home, a nicer car, or fancy and expensive jewelry and clothing. I have everything that I need. And I can comfortably say that might not have always been the case during my unhealthy younger years.

01:53

For some our mistakes will be easy to look past. But what happens when our mistakes are compounded by I don’t know more mistakes over and over again. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life because I am human. And despite moral and ethical codes, and a whole lot of judgment and the broken promises, I’m still here, these mistakes, despite all evidence to the contrary, didn’t kill me. What do they say? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You know, that phrase exists for a reason it does. But it didn’t feel that way, especially as I went through it. It’s truly only in hindsight that I can actually speak my truths without any hidden agendas. I have no expectation for this podcast. It’s my hope that I can help people. And one thing I’m sure of I didn’t get here all by myself. And I didn’t make all the mistakes all alone. So that leads me to forgiveness. I’m not sure who has forgiven me for my errors in judgment and all the bad choices, the terrible decisions I’ve made along the way. But I do know that my parents and my sister love me very much. And I love them. I believe that, you know, technically my kids do Love me. But like many kids are likely either very embarrassed or still entirely pissed off. And I can’t say that I blame them. But then I think they have every right to be angry. Certainly as a mother, I made more than my share of mistakes. But then I think what Mother hasn’t? I guess it’s just a matter of degrees of unforgivable acts, poor choices and terrible decisions. But then followed by good choices and better decisions. But it’s not a light switch. It doesn’t turn on and off. There has to be a trail of better decisions, like there was a trail of poor ones. And then I think once that trail is longer than the previous I can be looked at not as a fuckup, but as someone that fucked up and fixed it. After all, who hasn’t fucked up? Some more than others. I suppose not getting what we want. How How is this part of forgiveness? I imagine it has something to do with what we want in the first place, greener pastures, more money, better jobs, better spouses, better relationships. More or even less of something. If I look back on my own childhood, I remember not going on family vacations and being really upset and angry about that. I I envied the kids in my neighborhood that did. So I vowed many times, if not all of my vacations as a young mother, they, my vacations, would include my kids, and they did. I don’t really remember going out to dinner with my parents as a young person. I don’t recall one event when my sister and I went out to eat in fancy restaurants with my parents. And I vowed that my kids would eat in the finest of restaurants and be very well mannered. And they were. I don’t find these to be heinous mistakes by my parents Hardly. But I do recall feeling left out or missing out and longing for things that others had. This can be a dangerous walk, since it made me more aware of what I didn’t have rather than what I did. And honestly, it’s better for me to be happy with the choices I make., that puts me where I am. So how do I learn from my mistakes? And more importantly, how do I receive forgiveness for my mistakes?

05:24

It’s not easy, but I do believe forgiveness begins with oneself. I had to forgive myself in order to move forward. More importantly, I forgave myself in order to change the narrative. But not to erase the past, there is a difference. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to forget. Forgiveness is to recognize my mistakes, my error in judgment. And to own it all. I didn’t set out to hurt one person with intent. But I did hurt people. And those people may or may not be ready to let go. I believe that the story, the narrative and the why is held on to because it’s familiar and comfortable. And in some cases, it may be a reason to assign blame and to blame others.

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Let me use an example. If I say I experienced drug addiction, because the doctors over prescribed and then sent me on my way without regard for my addiction, who’s to blame me or them? And that happened, I was well into my addiction as a result of the doctors that wrote all of those prescriptions, and then told me I was addicted but provided not one resource for help. And I was no longer their problem! Wouldn’t it make sense for me to blame the doctors for my addiction? Well, technically, yes. But I don’t. I forgive them because I can’t change the past. They intended to help me and keep me from pain. But that backfired. And to be honest, I don’t remember one doctor’s name. Let’s talk about the infidelity. Could I blame my husband for not being there for me when I needed him the most? Of course, but I don’t I forgive him. Despite others believing that cheating in my marriage meant I was a terrible wife, they may want to consider the possibility that I was entirely lost in my marriage. I was completely alone in my marriage. But I don’t blame anyone but myself because I lost my way. And I tried to find my way back, but to no avail, at least not until I blew it all up. So that I own and one could make the argument that I am a horrible person. And what I did was unforgivable. But was it? Was it really unforgivable? Honestly, he’s happier and he’s moved on. He must have forgiven me at some point, I suppose. My kids, how could they possibly forgive their mother for what she did to their father? Well, I would pose the argument that I didn’t do anything deliberate to hurt him, but I did hurt him and them. But if it’s not deliberate, is it indeed forgivable? Of course it is. There are many people just like me with similar experiences, and somewhere along the way, they were likely forgiven or have forgiven themselves. Maybe they aren’t there yet. I don’t know. But I’d like to believe that people move on. People learn from these events, they gain trust in themselves and with others. I think of the alternative. What if I didn’t survive? I don’t know these so called unforgivable acts of infidelity and addiction. What if I had died during my addiction? What if suicide attempts were successful? And I’ll get to that later! Isn’t the fact that I’m still here and making a more suitable life for myself, overall, better? Yes, yes, it is. I’m not even trying to make a better life. I am making a better life. It’s not one full of empty promises. Or I’ll get this when I earn more money or meet someone else. I am right here right now making a difference. And hopefully with this podcast, hopefully telling my truths and forgiving myself for all those bad choices.

08:59

Forgiveness of oneself is that catalyst for healing and repairing. Forgiving yourself provides freedom and clarity and that weight gets lifted off of your shoulders. It’s gotten lifted off of mine. I do believe that it does take time and it will take time and people need to go at their own pace. If someone is out there, holding on to something because they’re not sure how to let it go. Please listen to me. Start with yourself. Forgive yourself. If you’re angry at someone else, ask yourself if you’re tired of being angry. Ask yourself if you can take a step towards letting go so that you can feel closer to the person you’re so angry with. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, even if I were to reach one person who’s at a crossroads or better yet, the one person that moves closer to someone they love but don’t quite know how to get back to, I’ve done my job. Both for them. And for myself. If people can learn to be more forgiving the world would be a better place.

10:08

But I’m not going to be all you know Suzy cream cheese about this. It takes work to be forgiven. And I’m not talking about simple apologies. Yes, I have apologized to everyone. I’ve demonstrated not one day of good behavior, but years of good behaviors. The problem may lie in that people don’t see me a lot. I’m alone all the time. The problem is that I don’t want to push my need or desire for forgiveness, but have them come to that conclusion on their own. Unfortunately, with every day that goes by, it’s one more day, that I’m not at peace with everyone. And they are not at peace with me. I don’t spend a lot of time with my family and the pandemic forced everyone apart. But when I realized that I wasn’t forgiven, and couldn’t get close to some people that I love, I started this podcast because well, because I could. Not to get back at someone or to embarrass anyone, especially and including myself. I learned that the mere mention of my sins allowed me to move towards a freer life. One that is embraced by others that still respect me, one that might align with those that have walked in these shoes, and come out the other end just like me. When I spoke about judgment in a previous episode, it occurred to me that I may still get judged for my mistakes. What can I say? I won’t judge others for their choices and their decisions. I will absolutely have an opinion when asked but I can’t say they are bad for choosing a different partner. If they get addicted to drugs, I’m pretty confident that wasn’t a lifelong dream of theirs. It crept up on me and I wish I could change the past but i can’t. I got help and when I realized alcohol was equally a problem just like the Vicodin I finally gave that up too. Learn to forgive and the pain will ease the burden of carrying so much will lift and you’ll feel lighter. Hopefully you’ll feel closer to whatever has pushed you far apart in the first place.

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Do it and then let me know how it goes. I hope you enjoy this episode of Don’t lose your balance. If so follow me download it share it with someone you know that you think might find value from it. I do have a website it’s Don’t lose your balance dot com, which I have mentioned in previous episodes and I am on Instagram, I have two accounts one is called Don’t lose your balance MSD that’s Mary Sam David and the other is Mallory underscore Durrick.

12:46

Thanks again for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and look forward to hearing your feedback about how you live your most balanced and authentic life.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.