Episode 11: Freedom

Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. And I hope you’re finding value in this podcast. This is the 11th episode. And if you’re new here, I’d like to welcome you. I also encourage you to go back and listen as it might help you to have a little more understanding about me and some of the topics I’m talking about more in depth if you do so. But you should be just fine right here right now, in the moment. As I think about these topics, especially the ones last week called choice and guilt. It made me really introspective in that I wanted to address them. And that led me to the conversation about freedom. And  that’s what I’m talking about today, there is something incredibly powerful about making choices, you know, even if they’re bad choices, I own them as my own.  I I don’t play victim. But I do think about whether I could have made better choices. During times of vulnerability and in hindsight, yes, of course, I could have made better choices. But in my present state of mind, no, I make really good choices now. And as a result, I have a different kind of freedom. I own my bad shit, I forgive myself for the worst of it, I take full responsibility so that I can keep moving forward. And honestly, what else am I supposed to do?

02:13

I have said this before. I am moving towards something, but I’m not quite sure what t hat is. Now in freedom. I don’t carry this burden and this weight anymore. I have chosen to let it go. And that provides me with freedom I don’t believe I’ve ever really experienced, I’ve learned to live with the decisions I make, even if they may not be agreeable to others. I can’t see how sobriety and clarity is a bad thing. But it’s likely very unfamiliar to others, and not something I can force onto them to accept. You know, you think they would naturally say well look how great Mallory is doing. But that isn’t always the case. I’m also not saying I have every day that is a perfect day. But I will say I don’t recall a time when I have been so clear and so comfortable with who I am. If people don’t like me, and can’t or won’t accept me, that’s not within my control. I want something better for myself. And after all the struggles I put myself through, I honestly believe I deserve to be free from my past demons. I think I’ve served my time in chaos and found my way back to a balanced and peaceful life.

03:22

Many days look the same. I get up in the morning, I move from my bed to my office. And I don’t have work every day. In fact, I haven’t had a lot of work since the pandemic. Although since the pandemic, I haven’t needed to go out and do things. There were no vacations, and I wasn’t probably going to go anyway. And I was able to put a lot of the money that I might have spent maybe even on alcohol and going out in restaurants towards some new technology. I took the opportunity of quarantine to improve my skills. And I got better at what I love doing for my job, which is website design and development. I found freedom during a pandemic to choose not to drink or be with others and be happy being alone with what I’ve got. And that is what I’m really grateful for and it’s my talent. I have the capacity to use my skills to be creative and rather than wait for jobs to come through I can learn to get better at what I do because one day those jobs they will come. I had the freedom to be creative more than ever. I had the freedom and the time to paint. I had the freedom to choose healthy over toxicity. I had the freedom to watch YouTube and learn from creatives on Behance I was given the freedom to attend Adobe Max online a conference I would have never been able to attend and learn from some of the best creatives in the world. I watched content creators and saw growth. I edited videos and recorded all of this, this podcast Don’t lose your balance. Oh my goodness. That is freedom. Yes, I am sharing a really private story but it’s my story. I’m free to work towards new goals like this podcast. And it’s scary to share such personal and private details about my life. But every time I finish an episode, it’s like this weight is off my shoulders as if I’m no longer living this lie. My decision to be so forthcoming about my story. And my truth was driven by a recent upset. I didn’t plan this podcast. This is not a lifelong dream I’ve had or something that was ever a calling to me. I heard someone I know on clubhouse, I’d like to say her name, and she knows who she is, but I don’t have her permission right now. So I won’t say it. But I asked her a question; when is it okay to share your story? She replied, so matter-of-factly. And with so much clarity that she said, when you share from a scar and not from a wound. I thought long and hard about what that meant. And then it led me into another room, and I asked; what if sharing my story impacts my children or others? And that woman’s reply was, well, your children are adults, and they equally have the freedom to tell their story. And that was when it was a light bulb moment for me. They have the freedom to share their story, just like their mother.

06:18

Okay, well, how was I going to put this podcast together? So I started researching and landed on a lovely young woman and hired her as my coach. I had the money and the freedom to make a decision that in the past would have been very difficult for me. I might have asked my mother and my sister, should I do this? Should I not do this? But I didn’t do any of those things. I listened to my inner voice and took my freedom to choose what I wanted for myself. I had the clarity and the freedom to do so. Was I going to spend six months learning how to do this and what I needed to do, to do this, or what I do what others do when they hire me. They hire a professional who expedites the process. So I did just that I hired a coach. And in eight weeks, I pulled all of this together and wrote and scripted 11 episodes right now at this moment. I built a website because I could I created the visuals, and I spoke my truth. Therefore, my story, my freedom and my right is to share my story from a scar and not a wound with no ill will intended. It can only be a story told from compassion, love, my truth and my healing.

07:34

My mother had asked me well, are you sharing from a journal? And I said, No my memories? And she said, well, you were so sick, maybe your memories aren’t truthful. I said that with the I say that, with the inflection of a question. Maybe they’re not so truthful, because she has never heard my podcast. So she may question if my truth is skewed. It’s not skewed. It’s my version of what I went through. Others may have a different version. And that makes me think, does this podcast need a balance? No, it’s wonderful that it is my truth and mine alone. I sometimes feel really tired after writing and recording and doing my favorite part, which is the editing. But I feel very accomplished. And that feels free for me. I remember in rehab, I was required to journal and I hated every fucking minute of it. It was painful. And I didn’t ever go back in my life and read through those hundreds and hundreds of pages. I just tossed them when I moved out of my house. And I have to say, this is different. I’m not reading from a journal, because if I did so I would be sharing from my wounds while I was going through it. But I’m on the other side of it now. And I’m sharing from a healed scar and ready for anything. And I hope that my family and friends who may listen to this, and they’ll say how lovely and helpful this is for others and give people hope.

09:02

You know, I’m not on trial here. I’m sharing my own recollection of all the things that happened for me, to me, with others along the way, but never am I intending to compromise them in the process. That’s freedom. These episodes are like chapters in my memory and I love that I can speak about all the horrow that I went through from a place of peace. There’s a balance to all of that. I’m free from the chaos. I’ve never been clearer about what I want in my life and for my life, even if that’s just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. You know, I laugh the other day during the room I run on clubhouse called Gratitude Journal 365. The story was a simple one about being grateful for the simple pleasures in life and what comes to your mind. Well, for some it was air conditioning or a spring rain or a thunderstorm. And it makes me giggle a little bit because I said I’m not without my internet, and that is true to a degree. I look around me and I have everything that I need. I have the freedom to come and go as I please, I stay up late, I get up early, I work out, or maybe I choose not to work out. I can eat what I want, when I want, I make my own decisions and I have to say there’s a lot of freedom in that. Other people may not be in a position of that freedom. And I get that, but they also have people in their lives that fill those voids that I don’t have filled. As someone that is alone, I speak from a voice of freedom, but also recognize that it can be lonely at times. And like I’ve said, I’m not sure that will always be the case. So I’m present for what I’ve got. It could all be taken away tomorrow, and I know that. But I’m pretty confident if I stay on course i’ll be just fine. I’m not too worried about my future. I’m hopeful. And that’s a very freeing feeling indeed.

10:58

Okay, see you next time. And if you like this or any other episode of Don’t lose your balance, please visit my website to read transcripts and find resources. I have also created a Facebook page of the same name and I’m on Instagram as Mallory Durrick and I also have one called Don’t lose your balance MSD my initials Emma’s and Mary S as in Sam, D as in David. Give me a follow subscribe to this podcast, write a review or most importantly, please, please share it with someone that you think may need to hear it to help them find their way to balance I hope your freedom and sharing your story and finding some peace along the way is within your reach. Thank you for joining me and I will see you next time.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.