Episode 16: Gratitude

Welcome to the 16th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. As we enter this holiday season, I’d like to recognize the power of gratitude what it is for me and what it means in my future and my present. It’s often times difficult to be mindful of gratitude. I’ve learned recently that it’s a practice and one that doesn’t come easy. And I get that and I get why. I don’t recall feeling very grateful during the last two plus decades, it’s not that I shouldn’t have felt gratitude for so much of what I had, or to be sad for what I didn’t have. It’s just that it wasn’t in the forefront of my consciousness. I wasn’t thinking about it one way or the other. But I do think about it every single day, now. Why would I do that? It’s not for the reasons most people do it. Or maybe it is I don’t know why most people do it. Might they not force gratitude into their day?For me, it becomes a habit. And that is a daily practice.

Back in the day, my struggles were very real. My physical and especially my mental well-being and financial balance, were totally out of whack. It’s not easy to be grateful. That’s not the same thing as happy or sad, though. Gratitude isn’t about being happy or sad. It’s about being appreciative of all that I have and all that I am. Not wishing for more or worse empty for having less. I’ve spent so much time in my life being apologetic for my mistakes, feeling sorry for myself. It’s exhausting, actually. Even if I wasn’t the only one making the mistakes. I’ve never felt gracious for all of my pain. I was so sad. But I’m not sad. And I’m not happy. I’m just really grateful that I’m even here to share my story, to talk about gratitude from a place of health and a very strong state of mind. And do you know why? If I can find gratitude after everything I’ve been through, and everything I’ve put myself through, so can you. I don’t know who you are. But I know I’m reaching somebody out there.

During the time I was seriously unhealthy, mentally compromised, the addiction, it took over everything. decisions were made from fear or desperation. Doing the right thing was overshadowed by the need for survival. I’m pretty confident I did what I had to do at the time that I was doing it to be able to tell this story. All of this does help me to see things more clearly. And for that I’m grateful. Every morning, at least at the time of this recording, I run a gratitude room with others on clubhouse. We’ve been doing this for many months. It wasn’t even my original idea. Someone asked me if I do it in another club. When that room went on supported, I came together with two others and we said you know, we can do this ourselves. And we did. Despite the relatively small attendance for those in this room, itt’s pretty defining, you know, when someone new shares or someone I know who has never gotten on the stage to share before or even comes into the room, I feel intensely grateful. And I show up for them as well as for myself. I show up because I said I would. It’s not difficult to be deliberately mindful for 30 minutes a day every day. It reminds me if even for a few minutes that day, I am grateful they are there. I am there and that room exists for a reason.

If I didn’t have the room of gratitude, of course, I could keep a gratitude journal at this gratitude room called gratitude journal 365 exists because of them and because of me. Because of us to provide new listeners with a bit more context. In this gratitude room. A story is read followed by a prompt, it helps initiate the dialogue. It’s odd that we have to remember to be thankfull. We celebrate Thanksgiving in the United States and take that moment to be mindful of all that we have like our health, our family and our friends. But what if we don’t have those things? What if we spend holidays alone?

05:00

Should we not look around and be grateful and feel grateful for what we do have, it’s not the picture we all have in our minds. But we can change that. In our time alone. You know, I’ve spent many holidays alone. Even when I wasn’t actually alone, I felt very alone. I’ve also spent many holidays alone and didn’t feel very alone. And for that, I’m grateful. I don’t want to give credence to the need or desire to be with others because when I’m not, that can be a very lonely feeling, and quite debilitating. I feel grateful for the beautiful home I live in. I feel super grateful that I have more than I even need. I’m grateful for the way my life has turned out, even if there are some things that I might wish I could have done differently. But then I think how wasteful is it to regret and wish for a do-over so why don’t. I remind myself that I have what I have. And I’m exactly where I should be grateful for all and mindful of being grateful. That’s the mindset. For me it’s not happiness or joy, that is a mindset. It isn’t. Otherwise sadness is a mindset and who wants sadness, but you have to feel sadness in order to feel happiness. You don’t just snap out of it one way or the other. I’m not an emotional light-switch that can be turned on or off. Gratitude is 100% of mindset for me.

I think about others on the holidays, and are they alone? How do they feel about being alone? Do they feel gracious? I don’t know. But I do know a few things about myself in my life. I don’t need crowds of people to feel validated. Because I’m grateful for the few people that I have in my life that truly care about me. And I them. Like my mother, my father, my siblings and a few of my friends. I believe there is an equal belief that just because you have food, water and shelter, you should be grateful. Consider how much less others have. It’s true, you should. But that may not be enough, because we’re also conditioned to be measured by our success, our money, our beauty and our healthy relationships.

Oh my gosh, that’s an awful lot of pressure. What is the definition of success? And doesn’t that equal happiness? No, it doesn’t, at least not for me. The definition of success is a mindset of gratitude. It sounds like a simple thing. But it’s not. Being grateful is hard. It’s a practice. It’s something that doesn’t come naturally like other emotions, because gratitude isn’t an emotion, like happy and sad. Sometimes I am grateful for sadness, you know, I loved with someone in the gratitude room said she’s grateful to have all emotions, because it reminds her that she’s not numb. I know what that feels like to feel numb. I had everything and I wasn’t happy or grateful. My mindset was not working right. I was more unhappy and very, very lost. I am grateful, I am happy but I’m not really successful by most people’s standards, but I am enough. And I have enough. And I’m grateful for that.

You know, I look around and I am genuinely grateful for what I have. And times I feel like I almost have too much, even though I know I don’t have as much as others. I’m in a room right now one big room with all my stuff. And I’m really happy. Not all the time. Of course not. Sometimes I feel sad or angry or, or or sorrow. And there are things indeed that are missing. There is a pull towards something. And I’m hoping to fix and repair my relationships with those that are still struggling with their attitude towards or about me. I feel like this podcast is putting me on the cusp of something very powerful. I’m grateful for this opportunity to reach people that might not otherwise cross my path. I created this podcast to release myself from the chains that hold me too hard. I like the way I feel when I let go of the past. I like the way I feel after I record every single episode. I don’t want to harbor anger for my past mistakes. And I’m grateful for having gone through so much that has made me stronger. I’m not going to allow my past to step into my present. Sharing my story is a huge part of going back in time and saying thank you very much. I’m grateful for all that I have been through because it’s put me exactly where I am right now. And any decisions made today will come from a place of positivity and healing. I may still make mistakes along the way. But I’m also grateful for those mistakes so I can be more mindful of learning from them.

I worry sometimes about others that feel things and more of something will make them happy. Maybe it will but what if it doesn’t. When are you grateful? Where is that line? Be happy. You have your health feel grateful is what people say.

10:00

That’s easy for someone to say. But what if you don’t have your health? What if you don’t have your health? When I didn’t have my health when I wasn’t grateful, I now know what was wrong. I wasn’t balanced. Everything comes back to balance. It’s not just the word truth is when I launched this podcast, my beautiful coach, she said to me, she’s waiting for the day when I use the word excited. But then I reminded her I don’t want to feel excited. I only want to feel balance. For someone that struggled with addiction, it’s always better for me to feel the balance of my emotions. Excited is a great feeling because it means you’re looking forward to something. But then I’m reminded of being excited for events or people. Those events didn’t go well and the people well, they disappointed. So then what? I feel worse, yeah, that isn’t going to work for me. I am grateful for balance, because I’m not dealing with the highs and then the lows, everything is just even; no chaos and confusion, no elevated emotions, not in one direction or another, just balance. Why is this so important for someone like me?

For many reasons, actually, there is a physical reaction to being excited or scared or sad. You know what I mean? When I am mindful and grateful for my life, no matter the event, the season or the reason, I’m coasting. I’m satisfied, not desperate for what I don’t have. Happy for what I do, and mostly grateful. Things could always be worse, but then things could always be better. And that’s where being grateful comes in for me. Gratitude provides clarity for what I’ve got, and doesn’t make me long or pine for what I don’t have. Gratitude is the equivalent of balance. I never thought about it that way before balance entered my life when I got healthy and sober. My finances came together. I don’t have a lot but then I don’t need a lot. I just have enough because I learned that it’s a balanced life. Feeling balance comes with this sense of peace that I might not otherwise experience. And I want that for everyone especially for people who have gone through what I’ve gone through who have suffered what I have suffered.

Finding your balance is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself this holiday season.

Okay then well I hope you enjoyed this episode of Don’t lose your balance if so, follow me download it share it with someone you know that you think might find value from it. I have a website it’s Don’t lose your balance dot com, which I have mentioned earlier and I am on Instagram. I have two accounts. One is called Don’t lose your balance M as in Mary, S as in Sam, D is in David that’s Don’t lose your balance MSD and the other is Mallory underscore Durrick. Thanks again for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and look forward to hearing your feedback about how you live your most balanced and authentic life.

{music plays}

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.