Welcome to the 13th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. I’d like to say thank you for joining me as I share my personal journey towards living a happy, fulfilling and most importantly, a balanced life. If you’re new here, welcome. And if you’ve been following along for the last couple of months, I really appreciate you and the support you’ve given me even if you don’t actually agree with me or with the decisions I’ve made along the way. The reason I say that about agreeing with me is because so much of what I’m sharing is a break of moral and ethical codes and conduct. Violations, if you will. I’ve made so many mistakes, my mistakes have mistakes. And it’s only a result of incredible intense judgment towards and against me that I created this podcast to finally free myself of my shame and my guilt. To show that I am more human than not, and that I have lived a very imperfect life. However, it’s a human life. I feel that I continue to apologize for things I’ve done or justify who I am because of what people have heard about me and not necessarily what they may have experienced themselves with me.
I don’t need to be liked by everyone or even loved by everyone. I don’t need to continue to please people at the risk of my happiness. And most importantly, I want to serve others because they appreciate what I can do or offer them not because I am under any obligation to do so. To add, I no longer compromise myself for the approval of others because ultimately, I need to look in the mirror at the end of every day and ask myself did you do good Mallory? If the answer is yes, I’m comfortable with my decisions, my choices and my progress towards living a healthy and balanced life. I sleep better free from drugs and alcohol. I live alone and I’m really comfortable with that. My creativity is through the roof and the people that I surround myself with, while a rather small network, are authentically here for me as I am for them. I don’t want to and I don’t believe I should have to continue to apologize the rest of my life for the choices that I have made in my past. I never intended to hurt anyone. I was just looking for what we all want in life. Happiness, and as a result, I’ve hurt myself more than I can possibly share. I’ve paid the price; my dues. I got what I deserved. And I am now just looking for peace.
Let me get back to the title of this week’s episode, which is judgment. I believe there is a difference between opinions we have about others and judgment we push onto others. I may feel that someone is unkind or even disingenuous. But that’s my opinion about the other person. I can choose to engage or not engage with that person. Sometimes I may have to engage because they are strongly tied to individuals that I care about or work with. And that’s a hard line to walk. We aren’t going to like every person in life that we meet. Sometimes we don’t like people during our first encounter, and then learn to get to know them, the more we find we actually really like them or even love them.
Conversely, sometimes our initial reaction about or towards someone is so favorable that upon closer inspection, we realize they may be selling us or worse, they are just toxic for us. We can’t see the signs or we just don’t want to see them. These people aren’t anything like the first impression that they demonstrate upon first glance. They show you only what they wanted you to see. Am I being judgmental now? Or am I actually stating my personal opinion? Well, first, I’m going to stop saying we because these are my opinions and mine alone. Next I’m going to see what drives me and decide what I want from another person. Lately I’ve wanted very little from others. In fact, I rarely if ever even ask for help. I’ve learned to stand on my own, and when I am miss-treated, I may reach out for guidance. Unfortunately, it’s not always great guidance. So I have to make decisions that I believe or know, what is best for me and me alone. Does this mean I’m selfish? I don’t think so on that either. I think if someone states that I am being selfish or even mean, they might need to look in the mirror and see if they have done something to warrant such a reaction. Is my behavior towards them a reaction to protect myself from their hostility or damage? Whether self-inflicted or projected? If you’re not a kind person, then okay, but don’t sell me on being kind. I can smell bullshit, but I don’t always see it at face value. So I think well, am I being judgmental? Or am I seeing things for exactly the way they are? The judgment is real. And it’s a reflection about me and about others. Let me use a better example. If I ask someone, what they think about how I look, or how I act, I have to be willing to listen to their opinion. If that opinion is pushed onto me, without provocation, it’s a judgement. I didn’t ask what you thought.
If you listened to my first three episodes of Don’t lose your balance, you may say a lot of negative things about me. Being unfaithful is not something I am proud of. But it’s also not something I did with malicious intent to hurt someone. If someone judges me for that, I may suggest they look in the mirror and see what they might not like about themselves. If they like themselves then in all likelihood, they aren’t really going to care what I’ve done. And maybe they’re projecting their issues onto me if they judge me or look at me with incredible disdain. Maybe they don’t like what they see in themselves, because they also see that in me. There is no greater judgment than the one I place on myself. But the nice thing about personal judgment, is the ability to change everything about myself that I don’t like. And I stress the word everything. That is 100% within my control. And it took me a really long time to truly understand that. I’m not proud of my past. But I am incredibly proud of my present. Because I know every decision I make is done with incredible intent. I truly care about others. But I don’t have anything to personally gain from them. Not anymore. I am more than willing to help and offer assistance, but I won’t do so at my own expense. Again, does it make me selfish? No, I don’t think so. If I’m being judged for the choices I make whose problem is that really? Is it my problem, or is it theirs? What does this have to do with balance a lot, actually, Because it’s actually taken me a very long time to realize that living with balance, is also being comfortable with who you are, and all that you represent, have opinions even have strong opinions about yourself and even about others. It’s actually good because it tells me that I am alive and I am grounded, I am very protective about my boundaries. And learning to live with self doubt is just part of life. I care more about my opinion of myself. The judgment, that word I place on myself is not only unhealthy, but it’s usually a transference of other people’s judgments or opinions. I don’t like having to own what other people think of me, it is unsettling. I’ll use a silly example of weight. Let’s say my mother or a friend without provocation, says Geez, Mallory, you could take off a few pounds. That’s interesting. I don’t recall asking you. But if I come to them, and I ask Do I look heavy or unhealthy. They have a right to answer that question.
Honestly, I know people that may feel triggered about this example. But it could be about anything. It’s not just about food, it could be alcohol, or partying or spending money, buying more things of what I don’t or will never need or use. So please take it within its context. If someone is triggered by me, and then passes judgment about me that says more about them and less about me. I should never have that much power over someone else. In fact, I don’t want that much power. If I value our friendship, I will always share my opinion with you when you ask me. But please don’t ask if you don’t want to hear it because I’ll always tell you the truth which means I’ll also tell you when I feel like you’re judging me and I’m hoping that my friends and family will hear me and not let that fall on deaf ears.
My recent friendships are healthy. They they are few and far between but I like the people that I surround myself with because I feel safe with many of them, people spend years climbing the social ladder and at the expense of others. On my deathbed, I would never forgive myself if I didn’t resolve my own conflicts with myself. And maybe this podcast is the catalyst for ultimate personal forgiveness. Going to the extremes of sharing something so incredibly painful, private and personal is a big leap into redemption. Because at the end of the day, the one person that really needs to forgive me, is me. And then whatever faith and belief I have with God, that’s between me and God. Whatever that higher power is, that belongs to me. Contrary to popular opinion, I’m incredibly compassionate, an empath, actually. I feel things that I shouldn’t feel. I used to own other people’s feelings about me. And that is an exhausting thing to feel. I don’t know when I started to feel better about myself, but it’s pretty recent. And as a result, I believe the people I love would appreciate the same things I’ve been proud of, my accomplishments, like my sobriety. I mean, technically, they’re going to say, that’s great, you’re sober, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive you for everything you’ve done. And unfortunately, that is a judgment call they are making and not letting go is within their control and not mine.
As I draw a close to this episode, I think how difficult it was to write and how long it took to articulate. Way longer than the other episodes. It’s a Saturday morning and pouring rain outside during the final weeks of summer. By the time this episode airs, it will be closer to Thanksgiving. In a few weeks time, with any luck we’ll be together with family for the first time in two years, newborn babies will surround the table with healthy and aging parents, grandparents and great grandparents. I love my family and I hope in time for those that pass judgment, they will learn to let it go. Have opinions but keep them to yourself. Unless you’re asked “Zip-it” as my sister and I often say to my mother.
I hope whatever the day may bring, you find joy, peace and happiness inside yourself. It’s really freeing, you know. But most of all is we enter into a holiday season. Remember what matters. Find that balance. If you do I can say with utter most certainty, you’ll be really glad you did.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of Don’t lose your balance. If so follow me download it, share it with someone you know that might find value from it. I do have a website Don’t lose your balance dot com. And I am on Instagram and I have two accounts one is called Don’t lose your balance, M as in Mary, S as in Sam, D as in David. That’s Don’t lose your balance M S D and the other is Mallory underscore Durrick.
Thanks for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and look forward to hearing your feedback about how you lived your most balanced and authentic life.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai