Episode 18: Validation

Welcome to the 18th episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Thanks for being here and listening to these episodes about my life. I hope you’re finding value and that it is helping you in some, I don’t know roundabout way.

01:07

Like I’ve mentioned in previous episodes, I’m not a therapist or a doctor, I’m just someone that has lived through some rather upsetting and chaotic traumas. Much like many other people. I don’t feel like I am that unique. With this podcast, I’m only looking for a way to heal and to most importantly, find balance so I can keep moving forward. I am also hoping that I’m helping others who may be going through some similar experiences and finding tools or resources that help them to find their balance. Even if that means they are looking in the mirror and not feeling so alone.

01:43

I have made choices in my life that might not be agreeable to some, but these choices have put me exactly in the place that I am today. I don’t have extreme highs or lows, and I don’t need medication to manage all of it. I’m just really balanced. And I’ll be talking today about how to maintain that balance. And I realize some days it’s easier than others. I’m also going to put out a disclaimer here, only you and your doctor will know if medication is needed to help you get through difficult times. I’ve learned for me that medication is not a great thing. Managing my emotions from a place of sobriety and clarity is the best way for me the most balanced way. I have learned to live through the pain and and talk it out with the people I love, and sometimes with close acquaintances or even friends, I didn’t always do this because I was either taking medications and or drinking. So I never really went through the pain without assistance. So it took a long time. I will say this. After I script each episode and then record, edit and upload, something happens for me. I actually feel better, like a weight has been lifted. And I’ve mentioned this before. When I go through another let’s call it a personal trauma, and this comes at varying degrees. I find myself not writing from that wound but more from a place of self reflection. Let me also say self reflection doesn’t always require a lengthy amount of time to pass. For example, I may experience an upset on Saturday, and then take Sunday to reflect and script and record everything on Monday. It’s really the amount of time that I take to process. And that’s up to me, not when someone tells me it’s okay to share or move past. So I hope that’s clear for others.

03:37

I recall someone saying writing from a scar and not a wound is a bit different than sharing your journal or writing because you’re not on the other side of whatever that pain may be. I also feel that pain somehow brings about a different level of creativity and while sharing a story when I’m in pain may come across to some as the wrong time. For me it’s somehow validates my emotions. When I share from that scar and not that wound, so many times I ask when or how do I share? And I’ve heard other ask that very same question. How do you know? The truth is only you can answer that question. I know when it’s right, because I’ve evaluated it over and over again. Sometimes ad nauseum then I make a decision to either let it go or continue to process. Either way, the writing and the recordings all seem to help validate what I’m going through. It helps validate everything for me. I’m not looking to validate anyone else. I’m only looking to validate myself.

04:39

I am still a little bit upset about something that happened to me recently, and I don’t know how to fix it. And I’m not sure that it’s up to me to fix it. When I feel upset. I try to validate my own feelings. I might talk it out with others that aren’t necessarily directly involved in it because they might be a bit more objective. Unfortunately since the other people involved in my upset aren’t here or there to share their perspective, it is a bit skewed one sided, off balance. I can’t do much about that, except recognize it and listen to others who are here might say. Validation. It’s a great word because it means many things, from validating a parking ticket to something far deeper, like your emotions, or the accuracy of events. To validate is to prove that something is based on truth, or fact or is acceptable. It can also mean to make something like a contract legal. You may need someone to validate your feelings, which means that you want to hear no, you’re not crazy. Why is this so important?

05:43

From my experience, I’ve been in contact sometimes indirectly with complete strangers that oftentimes just want to be validated for their feelings. They want to be heard. They don’t want to be gas-lit, which is the term I hadn’t known much about until recently. When people have minimized or trivialize my feelings and my emotions, I questioned my own sanity, or let’s call it a right to feel the way I feel. I recall in my youth, my family saying, you’re taking things too, personally, or you don’t have a sense of humor. And you know what happened? I didn’t feel like my feelings mattered, because I wasn’t feeling validated. And as a result, I wasn’t being heard and I felt very alone.

06:28

When did I ever feel like I wasn’t being heard? I can’t speak for all of the times it’s occurred for me, but I will speak about it most recently, and the decisions or choices I’ve made to try and let it go. I’m in conflict with someone right now. Not deeply conflicted. But I am working so hard to change the dynamic to change the narrative because I know inside that no matter what I do, or how I behave, I can’t change the way someone else will accept me. I can’t change the way they will react to me. I am so healthy now, and I realize that it’s unfamiliar and maybe even a little scary. I can’t change the past, but I can absolutely validate their feelings about me from the past. I can listen, if they are willing to speak to me about it.

07:12

Every family has their own dynamics. So I will not speak from or for anyone else but myself. I’d like to say that in order to feel validated, I’ve recognized that it isn’t going to come from others. It’s only going to come from myself. No matter what I do, or how hard I push. validation isn’t coming my way anytime soon.

07:35

When I recently experienced an upsetting event this past spring, rather than anyone validating what I was going through, there was this script of well everyone fucked up. I know it’s hard to understand the details when I’m trying to protect those involved. But the truth is, I didn’t fuck up, I was being forced to own something that had nothing to do with me. I was mistreated and was told that I was a contributor to the events. But I wasn’t other than my mere presence,I didn’t do anything. But the triggers came anyway. That could not have felt any more isolating than it did. I was singled out for making the mistake or several of them. But I didn’t make the mistakes. I was actually mistreated. I was being blamed for things that I didn’t do. I was probably being blamed for the things that I’ve done in the past that I cannot change. And because other people are on the outside looking in, it’s my word or perspective against theirs. I can’t win the battle. And let me be clear, this isn’t really about winning. This isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. This is about maturity, responsibility, kindness, and most importantly, validation.

08:37

The truth is the people that aren’t involved, or maybe they’re partially involved, might need to learn to listen better and talk less. Not to solve the problem to actually listen to the feelings and the emotions. Perhaps even when it comes to validating them. I’m not assigning blame towards anyone. But what I have realized is that people shift the narrative to make themselves feel better, because they simply cannot own their responsibility in a dynamic and they dance. Relationships, they are a dance, not unlike a push and pull. If people aren’t aligned, nothing gets done. There is no closure and no movement forward. The scale is not balanced. No one person is to blame for all the bad in life. No one person is responsible for all the good in one’s life. Everyone needs to step up and take ownership of their roles and decide what they want and how they want to live. In my life. I’d like to be redeemed for the mistakes from my past and for whatever reason, it’s just not going to happen. Which sometimes leaves me feeling lost and feeling alone in my journey towards healthy balance. I don’t believe it’s intentional by them. I believe it’s habitual. It’s familiar. If someone out there is listening to me and this resonates for you, I can only tell you what I’m doing to keep moving forward. I’m creating. I’m sharing and most importantly, I am accepting my truths for everything they are, even if my reality isn’t aligned with others.

10:00

Trust me, this trips me up sometimes. In my heart, I know what I’m doing is right, not the right and wrong that all but more about the acceptable for me, I cannot bear one more day of bullshit. I can’t be the center of pain for everyone else. If I’m upset, I need to feel upset and not have others invalidate my upset so they can feel better. I am strong in my belief that in more recent cases, I’m being challenged. I’m simply trying to figure out how to keep going, what do I need to do? I’m not sure but I’m also very sure what I don’t need to do. And maybe that’s how I’m finding balance. I frequently talk about the meaning of life or things happen for a reason, I say that a lot. The truth is, I don’t know if that’s the way it is, or it isn’t. But I sure do  now that one of the greatest gifts we can give to others and also to ourselves is validation of our feelings will make sure we don’t skew the reality. We don’t shift the focus or change the narrative or deflect our shit onto others. I know that when we accept things for what they are, and not what we want them to be or hope them to be, we can find a way back to balance and feel somewhat better.

11:12

Apologize for your wrongs, try to do better in the future to make things right, but be willing to accept that what you want from others may not go your way. And while that may make me sad, I have to keep going. And that’s exactly why I continue to record these episodes. This was a struggle for me this particular episode, I am not feeling validated, and I want to feel validated. That is not the same thing and it may never come to fruition for me, and I have to accept that that will be okay.

11:47

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Don’t lose your balance. If so follow me download it, share it with someone you know that you think might find value from it. I have a website Don’t lose your balance dot com, which I mentioned all the time and I’m on Instagram I have two accounts. One is called Don’t lose your balance m s d that’s Mary Sam David and the other is Mallory underscore Durrick.

12:10

Thanks again for joining me and I hope today and tomorrow and always you find your balance. I’ll see you next time and I look forward to hearing your feedback about how you live your most balanced and authentic life.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.