Episode 31: Wellness

00:00

Well, hey, everybody. Welcome to the 31st episode of Don’t lose your balance. My name is Mallory Durrick. Today’s gonna be a little different. I have a guest, my first guests for this podcast. Her name is Kayla Nelson. And she is a self described 20 Something who wanted to make some videos for the internet and anything goes. She has a YouTube channel, which is where I found her originally. And she focuses on food fitness, cats cooking and vlogs. She has more than 68,000 subscribers to date with 7.6 million views. She has an Instagram handle, which is where I found her directly messaging her. And that is that sincerely Kayla, with over 10,000 followers and her motto, become your best self because all bodies are good bodies and her focus. Well, let’s talk about that here. So welcome, Kayla. Yeah, so I wanted to ask you, when you started your YouTube channel, your subject your your the conversation, your focus is all about, you know, body and health and well being and fitness and things like that. When I don’t know if you remember this or even know this, I responded to you once on Instagram, when you posted something in a story where somebody had said something very unkind to you. And I carry it with me because I was very upset that you were the recipient of such a negative comment. And yet you managed to take that comment and spin it instead of owning it and hiding with it, you embraced it. I mean, not joyfully embraced it, but you embraced it. And you put a copy of it. And I say, you know, people, if they were standing in front of you, they would never say the stuff to your face that they put in writing because they can hide behind the internet. What was the impetus first for starting that health journey for you on YouTube? And how you’ve carried it along and grown through through all of what you’ve been going through? Is my one question like, how did you start with that focus?

03:00

Yeah, well, I feel that I’ve, you know, you grow up in the early 2000s, you feel that diet culture kind of hangs over your head, and you feel that you need to partake in that. So I feel like in a negative way, it’s sort of always been in my life, but I wanted to sort of make it more of a positive in my life. I got to a point when I was in college, as most people, they end up gaining a lot of weight, you know, you’re eating out all the time, you’re not really focusing on movement, you’re just kind of studying, doing what you have to do eating out. And then that’s it. And I did not like where I was at all and how I felt, and I feel that I was quote, unquote, trying everything and just nothing’s working. And I was always the size and I could never fix, you know what was broken as I thought. And so it wasn’t until I had a friend too. She was low carb and keto. And she had dropped all this weight with very similar body types. And I’m like, That’s awesome. It worked really well for her. We have similar body types, why not give it a try. I ended up having really good success with it. And it helped me lose a good amount of weight to start. And I was like this is really interesting. And then I learned a lot more with that sort of as a foundation of just a better understanding of nutrition and how foods work in your body and insulin resistance and in how insulin works and how it’s affected by the things you eat and when you eat them and paired with what other food and I learned just so much from that alone, on top of my education and career in physical therapy and how the body moves and I anatomy and kinesiology and all of that. So I had those things kind of under my belt and I was like this is really interesting. This could be something that I share with people and I also love to cook. So it started out really as posting on Instagram, my recipes and my weight loss journey and before and after photos and things like that, which got a lot of attention because I mean, I don’t own Google But I’m sure like the number one, at least top 10, most searched questions is how to lose weight or how to whatever. So I was sort of feeding off of this, like, oh, people are loving these recipes. And they’re loving my progress. So it became recipes. And it became keto. And it became all of that. And I loved it. And I sincerely did it for a long time. And then it just kind of faded out. And I wasn’t feeling that it was helping me be my best anymore. And I was kind of getting sick of it. And I felt that it was so restrictive. And I just couldn’t enjoy birthday parties and events and things with my friends because there was just the worry of carbs and this and that. And I never wanted to villainize carbs to begin with, I always still ate the things that were, quote unquote, not supposed to be and then whatever. And then I was like, You know what, this has got to be something I transition and make more sustainable for myself, because it’s, I’m never going to not eat a carb ever again. So then that’s when I was like, What can I do differently? How can I change this, and then I sort of lost motivation to post on my Instagram because I was not keto anymore. And I sort of felt like a fraud to even post on that Instagram account. I was like, No one, no one cares about this. And losing followers, like this is not like this. But I still like being in that space of wellness and health and helping people and just being in that community overall. And so then it was not until I worked on myself a little bit, I ended up going on my solo beach trip. And I just wanted to spend some time alone at you know, in the pandemic, and healthcare and I needed some time alone, I really just thought like what I wanted to do. And I was like, as, as we’ve talked about, just what do you wish for your younger self? Like, what do you wish you could have seen, and I think our, this generation now is doing an amazing job with with advertisements and

06:48

representation in movies and media and everything with normal bodies with people that are all shapes, sizes, colors, weights, you know, in a wheelchair, not a wheelchair, having limbs and not having limbs. So I think it’s a beautiful step in the right direction, I still think there’s a lot of work to be done. But it’s amazing. So I was like, I want to do that. That’s what I wanted as a as a child I needed. I wanted that representation as like a little bit of a chubby kid, I never saw ads in magazines of kids that looked like me. And I was like, that’s what I want my Instagram to sort of transition to my YouTube as well to transition to I can’t sit around and make Keto Recipes forever, that’s gonna fade away, that’s gonna be boring. That’s not personable, that’s not showing who I really am. I’m not deep down just a recipe book, like I’m a person. So I made that transition. And I thought a lot about what do I want my username to be, but I want this really to embody and sincerely Kayla was just sort of born into in my solo beach trip. And I thought, how fun would it be to post these photos, share my experiences, share things in life, and then write a fun little caption. And then at the end of everything, just say, sincerely, Kayla, like I was writing in a diary or writing it to my younger self, or whoever. And it sort of came about that way. And that’s also kind of how my YouTube transitioned as well. My YouTube and Instagram are slightly different with the content, but they do overlap in a sense. So I was like, I want to do just like fun, silly little workout videos. And I want to try silly little celebrity diets for fun just for, you know, giggles. And if I can share a recipe here and there about things that I like to cook and things that have helped me be more successful in a non intimidating, realistic way. And just share with people that that’s obtainable and realistic that I want to do that, because I feel while we’re making that beautiful step with body positivity, and just more what’s the word? Diversity, I guess, there are still parts of the internet that also are the total opposite of just Photoshop and filler and surgical procedures to look so perfect. It’s like we’re doing we take two steps forward and then like three steps back every time and it’s just frustrating. So when you have that sort of lingering of your shoulder like you have to have the perfect body and this and you have to only have green juice and eat vegetables all day long. I’m like no get get that out of here. Like let’s show the realistic like okay, yeah, I had a salad today but also the pizza for dinner and it’s totally fine. And these are ways you can be healthy with your body and, and healthy is like I always say that it’s very subjective because we don’t know what your internal organs look like and how your heart health is. And you know, you can’t necessarily your genetic based on their exactly look at their size and assume I actually went to a new primary doctor a couple months ago, because I just needed a new one I had gone in several years. And when I stepped on the scale, I wasn’t thrilled, but I mean, I tried to not look at it too much. And she sat me down and she was like, Why do you care? And I was like, oh, you know, I’m a woman and It’s, uh, you know, when you’re not in whatever preferred range and then BMI is a whole other topic. She’s like, would you exercise? I was like, yeah, like me a couple times a week I walk a lot, I have a very physically demanding job. She’s like, do you eat? Well, I was like, Yeah, you know, for the most part, I would say, 80% of the time. She’s like, what’s problem? Like, right? I guess there’s not one. And she’s like, if we measured, you know, if we wanted to really get specific and measure your heart health and do this, and then we, you know, measured the super skinny girl that does not move and just has good genetics and eats bad, you know, food that aren’t beneficial all the time. She’s like, I bet your heart health would be way better. So why does it matter what that scale says. And that was just amazing made me realize I found a good primary care doctor. And, and it’s true. And that’s what I like, want my life to reflect more of just? How can we all be here in this space and take care of ourselves as best as we can, when we can? And make it enjoyable? Because we all have to do mundane things all the time, like cooked meals and clean and and how can we just make it kind of fun and enjoyable. And we’re all here for a while. So we might as well try to do something.

11:08

Right. And you know, I think what’s very interesting is what you said about why we care? Well, there were times where I didn’t think that I was overweight. And I don’t think I felt as good when somebody might have looked at me and said, Oh, you could take off five pounds, you know, or you could take off 10 pounds. I never went into the eating disorder, bulimia or anorexia. Although one could make the argument that when I was in my mid 30s, I lost so much weight that I was assigned zero. And I remember only eating cantaloupe. And you know, I don’t know these animal crackers from Costco or something, and cottage cheese. I don’t know how I did this. And I remember walking down the hallway in my home and I looked in my body in these black pants. And I said whose hips are those, those didn’t look like my hips because they were complete. i My body was so thin, I was so skinny. And I thought I looked good. But I didn’t look good. You know, I think I look better. When I have a little bit more weight on me. The problem that I have is maybe I don’t feel like I look good in front of somebody or my my ex husband. You know, I love him to death. But you know, get down to fighting weight, he would say Mallory and I didn’t really know what that meant. Exercise was always a big part of my life. But I still to this day will look in the mirror and not think that my body is the right body. You know, and I don’t know what else to do with that you can’t exercise everything away. You can’t exercise every part of your life away. It helps it does help. But I think when you can get the mindset like what your primary care physician said to you. Why do you care? Well, it matters. But it doesn’t matter. Meaning you will of course want to look and feel your best. But there’s always going to be somebody who’s thinner than you. And there’s always going to be somebody who’s more weightier than you or have has more weight than you it’s how do you feel in your clothing? How do you feel in your own skin? And it’s hard because a lot of especially as women I think and this is not a new conversation, you know, people feel like this every single day many women and looking at the scale and what size clothing are you and fitting into your clothes as to if you feel good when your clothing fits like it’s too big. As far as the eating thing I love when you do your meal prep clubs, your meal prep, because I’m thinking man, she’s just going out and putting all kinds of things in these containers and your food look great. The also following these particular celebrity diets? are they hard to do?

13:51

Yeah. And it’s funny because you do have to do a lot of your own research because a lot of these celebrities never come forward and hear them say it themselves. It’s a lot of speculation and everything like that. But when you find everything you have, and then you’re doing it yourself, you’re your own chef, you’re your own everything. It’s it’s hard it is and you know that these celebrities, whether or not what’s online about what they eat is true or not. They’re still having some personal chef genius doing all of that for them. So yeah, when it comes down to like, I’m about to film for the week, I’m in my kitchen like a maniac cutting vegetables and doing all this stuff. And then I’m like making green juices or whatever and I’m like this is gonna be insane. And then usually somehow none of them are supposedly frickin drinking coffee and it drives me crazy. Because then I get like this horrible headache when I’m filming and this is ridiculous. I’m sure they drink coffee. I don’t know why suddenly these celebrities feel that I don’t have coffee in my diet. Why that what’s there’s nothing wrong with is actually good for you. Do you know the coffee? My liver doctor told me to drink coffee because it’s good for the liver. What is your favorite celebrity diet that you did.

15:02

I’m thinking for the ones that have done. I mean, if this really even counts. I did Kendall Jenner’s most recently, hers was a lot of old information online because there’s been a very large gap in between the times that she’s spoken about what she has as a model. And everything hers described online was very much like she can kind of eat whatever she wants, whether that’s true or not. So if we’re going to have that I liked hers, because there weren’t many restrictions. But I’m sure she doesn’t eat whatever she wants. I’m sure her genetics play a large role, and she probably can eat a little bit more of what she wants. But at the end of the day, she’s still watching what she eats, because she’s a model. So whether she’s gonna admit to that or not, it’s just model is that’s like one of the most intense jobs to have or your body is literally your paycheck. So there’s a opponent of her watching what she eats, whether she is doing it herself, or it’s just being handed to her on a plate. So you know, what was funny? I, I love when you were on camera, with Adele’s diet, and you were chewing, and just looking at the camera. How many times did you have to chew, and you couldn’t watch television or your phone? You just had to be present while you’re eating? That was actually Rebel Wilson.

16:20

Oh, Rebel Wilson. Okay, thank you for correcting me, okay. I do so many darn celebrity dads to get them confused. Okay, um, again, based on the internet, something about it’s like the mayor method, which is sort of finding that inner self and being present for your meals. And supposedly, there’s just a link between, which I feel can be true when you’re distracted, when you’re eating and you’re on your phone and your whatever you have, you’re distracted. So the ability to just kind of keep bringing that fork to your mouth, and just, you’re not really focusing on your hunger cues and everything. So I did enjoy that part of it, where it was like, let me not distract myself when we just focus on nourishing my body and utilizing this energy. But the chewing thing was a little strange. It’s supposedly for digestion. It felt a little bit eating disorder to me, but it’s supposedly just for easier digestion.

17:13

I told my sister that I need and I said to my sister, you’re not eating right? When you’re eating, you’re not supposed to be watching General Hospital, you’re doingwhat it takes, like, you know, a lot of the comments. Actually, the comments on that video are really funny. A lot of people are like, tell me you don’t have children without telling me you don’t have children or like, tell me you don’t eat dinner with your family. I’m like, sorry, like that. Just follow the rules.So the feedback on your YouTube channel, and I imagine on your Instagram has been favorable of the direction creatively that you’ve taken correct with what you’re what you’re doing.

17:52

Yeah, I think it’s gotten a lot of positive feedback, which I’m really happy about I did you know, you lose that dip of followers that aren’t really interested in anything other than recipes, or whatever your original content was. So I think rebranding, no matter what your size is, it can be a little scary, because you don’t know what people are really interested in. But if you have, I think the creative outlook and the content that you really like and you’re passionate about, it’s going to show through and the people that are going to enjoy it or gonna stick around. So it’s been it’s, it’s positive. Yeah, for the most part, there’s always those couple that like to get to get you. But it’s mostly it’s mostly a very positive space. And again, like, I think I look at it so much, I’m such a nostalgic person. So I always look at it through the lens of if only I had someone like me, I guess when I was younger to, to see me working out in whatever cute workout set where maybe my little bit of back fat is showing like, oh, I would have loved that it would have made me feel just better about things that I worried about so much when I was younger.

18:56

I find it interesting because I saw your posts today in your workout clothes. And I thought I’d love that body, too. You know, and I find it very interesting the way people look at themselves very differently than, you know, others look at us and it’s really a number.

19:14

It’s funny because it’s not that you’ll never be satisfied but there’s always there’s always going to be that room for like more like wanting more and like wanting to be different and I think it’s funny as well because I’ll look back on photos of myself from high school college two years ago, and I’ll remember being like I used to hate this photo because I thought I looked bad and you look back on it and you’re like I look normal. And I have body dysmorphia really bad. So it’s always so tough for me to even sometimes filming and editing becomes overwhelming because I get really anxious looking at myself for too long. And then I like take a break and because I’m picking apart everything I’m like oh I hate this angle because oh I should not have filmed this way and then I can’t redo the filming because it’s timing wise and I take a break and I go for a walk or I do something and I come back or even wait 24 hours. And I look at it again. And I’m like, what was I seeing yesterday because I don’t even see it. And it just go crazy in your mind because you can drop 50 pounds, or you can gain 50 pounds or you can whatever. And I think there’s when you have something like this, it always there’s always going to be like a, you may never be satisfied. So you might as well just be comfortable. And you might as well be like whatever makes you feel the best. So whatever workout routine that is, instead of trying to set this unobtainable goal to like, lose X amount of pounds and be this pants size, and whatever. I’m like, I’m going to move my body two to four times a week with these exercises, and do one outdoor walk a week and eat these sorts of foods that I love. And like, keep going. Because I just was wrapped up for too long and the idea of like, a set goal, and then it’s like, but you hit your goal. And then what like how do we sustain that make that sustainable after

20:57

it’s not sustainable? And that’s part of the problem. And I remember after losing quite a bit of weight and exercising all the time and running and teaching at the gym, I could it’s not sustainable, you just can and your body wants to be a certain way. were you diagnosed with body dysmorphia? Is that what it is body dysmorphia? Is that the right word? were you diagnosed with that? Yeah,

21:20

I do. Yeah. Very, very young age. Yeah, yeah. Okay, um, and what exactly is it, the easiest way to explain it is like you have a it’s like a brain thing where you are so self critical for whatever point it has come from in your life, that you have a really poor ability to see to see what you look like, like you don’t like if someone told me to draw a picture of myself, it would probably not look like what I actually look like, because I have such a warped mindset of what I look like in my own head, which it’s a really tricky thing to like, quote, unquote, diagnose or whatever, because you ask any woman, what do you look like? They’re gonna say, Oh, um, yeah, they’re gonna say they’re 10 pounds fatter than they are, they’re gonna say that their nose is bigger or something. But it can get to the point where they’re, it’s like really drastic, like if you sort of Google Body Dysmorphia and hit images. It’s like, it’s not just like someone’s nose is kind of bigger. Like they’re showing it as like this huge, drawn out sort of thing. And it even goes to like, I remember being younger, and I would be out at the mall or something with my mom and I would literally look at girls my age and like, Mom, do I look like her? Does my body look like that I literally just had no idea. Like, I It’s such a weird thing. Because your your perception of yourself is so disfigured the smartphone, not the right word, but it’s just so wrong. And it it challenges life in so many ways. And I think that’s also why stepping out of my comfort zone to make this Instagram to make posts like I did today to be like, this is just how I see myself. And this is how I know people like pose for Instagram and things like that. And if I can share a little bit more of that vulnerability, it’s helpful, because it’s sucky to not know and to always feel like you could be a different way or

22:59

I love the way you look. And I also loved on your channel when you shared your experience with Accutane. And I love that because I know in when when it all first started, I know that you were sharing your struggle with it. And your ability to be completely transparent is what makes you extraordinarily unique. And it’s why I feel very drawn to your channel. And then of course, what happens is when you follow somebody on YouTube, you follow them on Instagram, but I think it was this one post, like I told you, that just did it for me. And I have to say one of the greatest lines ever, ever from shits Creek was when Alexis Rose says nobody is thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you. And if you can carry this thing in your life where you believe that it’s amazing to because you won’t, I don’t think it’s normal to say don’t care about what other people think we’re always going to care about what other people think you know, but you don’t have to let it control you and control who you are right and your transparency for what you’ve shared, what you’ve been through, and you’re sharing your wins and you’ve shared your struggles, it makes you relatable. And there is something very powerful in that. And I’m not so sure about what I’m sharing, because I’m not sharing what I’m sharing for myself to be relatable. I’m sharing it to let it go. And I talked about this, let it go in the out into the universe, let it land wherever it may. And you don’t have to worry about it ever again. But what you’re doing is you’re speaking to an audience of many, and you’re speaking to an audience of many ages. I think I don’t know what I don’t look at your metrics. I don’t know what you’re meant. I don’t look at my own metrics. I’m certainly not looking at yours. But I see the comments. I see what people say and I know how I feel it’s entertaining and you’re funny and you know, you’re not somebody who dumps a lot of trauma into people’s lives, you’re somebody who embraces what you’re gone through and still going through how you see yourself, and what you want to do with that. And you know what you did, you did it creatively. And there’s something very powerful about that.

25:11

But there’s so many parts of that I want to dissect. Thank you, I think you like you saying you knew more about me than I would know about you. So it’s really much appreciate it when you can recall things like that. Because sometimes I do feel like I’m just putting it on the internet, and people pay attention cool. And if they don’t, but clearly, there are some that do this. And thank you for that. You saying that you are just sort of dumping it into the universe and seeing where it goes, I think you’d be surprised with that, because I sort of thought that as well. I’m like, who’s gonna care about my Trader Joe’s grocery haul care about any of this, but there’s always somebody that like it is going to be relatable to or it’s going to help them with the decision making, or there is probably people if they end up finding your podcast, or they learn more about you or someone that you know, here’s the topic and they’re like, oh my gosh, this is exactly what my friend Jennifer is going through. Like that’s how it that’s just how it goes. And people will even tell me like, oh my gosh, I sent this video to my friend because blah, blah, blah. And that’s just how it happens. So I think you should give yourself a little bit more grace of like, Oh, I’m just throwing it out there. And I’m like, people are listening, though. Like you have you’ve got your 1000 downloads to celebrate. So there’s people out there that are probably all my mother. Oh, I’m teasing. Yes. Like the whole, like even like the Accutane thing for me it that also plays a huge impact. And like how I viewed myself those that year of my skin being a wreck, I was so depressed. And I know it’s silly, because you’re like, it’s just your skin. We tell people all the time, like, who cares when it if you can’t not have one, just like you said, Oh, don’t care about what people think about you. It’s the same when something is going on with you. Whether you’ve gained weight that you didn’t expect to gain or you have, you know, a broken arm or like I mean, whatever it is like you are going to take that and probably take it to heart a little bit. And there are some people that are going to embrace their acne and feel fine. Like you know, I just don’t care like it’s fine. That’s great. Everyone’s experiences I was different. I was so depressed. Luckily, there were masks. So I was like, partially covered. And that made me feel good. But I talked about in the video when I was at work, I work in a very serious profession of physical therapy. I’m I’ve been working with stroke patients who have just had massive strokes. I’m educating the family, I’m talking to doctors, I’m talking to people who are respectable all the time. And not that it makes me any less of a person with acne because that’s not true. But it sucks when you feel like you’re talking to them. They’re like, Oh my God, they’re staring out all these pimples on my forehead. They’re looking at me differently, which I’m sure they’re not as you just said that beautiful quote from shits Creek and it’s so dang true. Because I have to tell myself that all the time I tell myself the quote of you’re not special and not to be mean. But it’s like it’s it’s a helpful thing to think, oh my gosh, I can’t wear this out in the store. People are gonna think I look funny. I’m like, You’re not that special. No one’s looking at you like that, right? Not a negative thing to say you’re not special, but it’s just the thing to be like, you’re you’re your worst self critic. You’re your own critic. That’s so bad. But when I had that faceful of acne, it made me feel destroyed. I’m like, I’m taking care of my body and eating things that I know are fueling me from the inside out. Why me? Why and again, acne is very literally surface level. And it’s the least of my worries, really, because when you look at it on a scale of people that are dying, or chronically ill or have things wrong, it seems almost I don’t know what the word is, like pretentious to be like, oh, woe is me. I have acne. But it’s like I tell patients all the time, I go in one room and someone has had a massive stroke where they may not survive. I go to my next room and someone just has a broken ankle. I’m like, You don’t ever compare your trauma. You don’t ever compare what you’re going through to somebody else. Because yes, someone’s always gonna have it worse than you and someone’s always gonna have it better than you. So you have to take that I even debated even uploading it because I’m like, is this selfish to even put this online to be like, Man, I had acne like, this is my struggle, but it’s like, if you do that, then no one talks about anything ever. Because yes, some people have it way worse with their life experiences or what going on. So I did find that place to upload it because I was like, well, maybe it will help somebody and I can share my very transparent experience with it and go from there.

29:18

And the people you’re helping all the people who are going through with and don’t know how to address that journey of whether or not they should get some help for because some people cell was just as phase you know, it’s your hormones are a little out of whack or whatever the case may be and you’ll you’ll be fine. You’ll get through it. Listen, I decided to fix one tooth with Invisalign and I went on YouTube to find somebody journey for them design and I did it during a pandemic. And I’m like, well, there’s no better time than to do Invisalign when you’re in a mask and I’m never going out but sharing that experience that this person had online when I was doing research about it, which is what people are going to find you and look at how you went through that. And He came out the other side with beautiful skin and the way you creatively shared it.

30:05

And I think that’s like why I’m why I host what I post, I want to see all sides of it. I don’t care if it’s ugly, embarrassing. I don’t want you to cut out the parts that I’m interested in. I wanted to share every little bit of my acne and how I wanted to show you the gross videos and the pictures where I thought it looked. It’s absolutely worse. I wanted to tell you how I fell and how it affected my self esteem. I didn’t want it to be like, yeah, so I had acne, but I wasn’t bracing it because I’m beautiful. And I just it didn’t bother me and like but then I got the pill and it was fine. I’m like, No, I’m going to tell you that I hated myself. I hated looking in the mirror, I could not take myself seriously, I didn’t want to put on cute clothes, I didn’t want to do anything. I want to hear someone’s experience like that, where they’re telling the truth. And that goes all the way back around full circle of my Instagram. I’m like, I don’t want to see another girl on Instagram, posting her workouts where she looks perfect. And her hair is perfect. And it’s like, I don’t care, I sweat i turned red. I’ve roast like I want to see people who are just people. And that’s why I feel like my self being on the internet is trying to be as authentic as possible, because I like authenticity. And if other people like that, I will celebrate them and they can join me on that journey. And if you want someone who’s gonna cut out parts of their life and just show you the highlight reel and whatever, like there are moments, of course, where you post the best things. But for the most part, I’m like, I want to just share what I can that I’m comfortable with and just let it be authentic because that’s what this world needs in such a world of Photoshop and face tune and celebrities who sort of sit on this pedestal of beauty standards and all this stuff. I’m like that just gets exhausting and it’s unobtainable and just don’t don’t want to deal with it. Don’t look at it for too long.

31:45

Well, I think also that people people know when you’re bullshitting them and people know when you’re only posting the nice good stuff about yourself and they are they will turn on you the ones who see who you are for all of your flaws and all of your real illness. You know, I say this in clubhouse, nobody gets out of this thing unscathed. Some have worse journeys than others. But you know, I’ve made some really bad choices in my lifetime that have taken me down some very dark roads and yet I managed to come out the other end of it because I was committed to getting rid of the toxicity and learning from what I could learn from because I didn’t want to die. I didn’t I don’t know how I lost my way. And when I shared all of this on online or on clubhouse, I think people get it I’m not just sharing good stuff. I’m sharing a lot of hard things that I’ve been through in order to feel better as well as to help somebody else and I think that when you share all your struggle it is something that other people can say that’s me I can get better by doing what Kayla did by finding the right resources to get the help that I need. I can exercise more I can eat better I can clear my skin or how about just from a mental health perspective feel good and laugh at myself because you do do that you know when you look in the camera and you your cats hanging out with you and you know where is she is she around

33:13

somewhere? I was like yeah she’s somewhere under my bed so you’re the best you really you pay attention to such the small things I love that you’re like so aware of like all I love it

33:26

well I enjoy watching it and I know that other YouTubers are on similar journeys and share in a much in a very nice way and I I like people on YouTube that are honest of who they are. Do you have Instagram sincerely, Kayla and the other one we

33:44

my other other Instagram is just my personal one which is Kayla obviously and not just more of like more me and like my family and friends and stuff but it’s if you wanna check it out, it’s there too but it’s

33:54

subscribe to both factually but I can’t remember off the top of my head and then yeah, your YouTube channel is what Kayla

34:00

Nelson just my last name and are you on Tik Tok? Yes, Kayla obviously on Tik Tok as well.

34:05

What do you think of tick tock? How does that work for you? i Not on tick tock and I know everybody else is on tick tock and I just I just can’t

34:13

this is the first time I feel old.

34:19

Can you imagine how I

34:21

know it’s these darn Gen Z kids. I’m technically the millennial group but the Gen Z kids are just so cool with their transitions and their audio and there whatever. It’s I felt a little late to the game jumping into it but I am now looking at it as it just another social media platform to be silly and be myself and share funny stuff and things like that. So I just sort of am slowly posting I actually posted a silly video the other day Mallory it was just silly. Like I just wasn’t even serious. It has 4 million views. And I was like what the actual heck just happened? And so I’m like okay, this is just a Another platform that can share myself with people like Sure. It still confuses me a little bit, and I feel out of place because a lot of the people they’re much younger than me, but it’s okay, so we’re

35:10

million. Wow, that’s a lot. Podcast. So you’re thinking, when we first started talking, before we realized that we were going to record. You mentioned something about starting a podcast, do you think you’ll still do that?

35:23

Yeah, I would love to, I am just trying to organize and schedule my life as best as possible. Because a lot of people that are in the Creator space, they do that full time, I still work my full time job. And it’s sometimes tricky only because not only is it the full time job, but my schedule, my shifts are a full 12 hours. So when I’m at work seven to seven, I don’t really even have extra time in the day to, you know, come home at 5pm and work a couple extra hours after. So I do feel that I work seven days a week, because when I’m not at the hospital, I come home and I do my YouTube stuff, I do my my internet stuff, and then go from there. So I really do want to try to prioritize my time to create a podcast because I feel that I have been talking since I came out of the womb. So talking is just like second nature to me. And it’s fun. And if someone wants to listen, that’s awesome. And it’s just it sort of feels like, well, I’m already doing this, and I’m already doing this, I might as well just do a podcast too, and just like dive into that world. And if people listen, cool, and if they don’t, that’s okay. And it’s just another thing to try and have fun with. And again, sort of a digital diary. And it’s something to look back on too. So I do want to pursue it. And it’s gonna it’s in the works if we have a lot of a lot of ways to go. But it’s definitely in the front part of my mind, for sure.

36:35

And that’s fantastic. And I will say you’d be great at it. And one of the things that I found in the very beginning of doing this podcast was It was challenging the first few episodes, and I record an edit in Adobe Audition. But you don’t have to do that you can use other software solutions, you can get yourself a road caster Pro, all you really need is a good microphone, because it starts at the source. And when you start talking, and if you choose to edit, you can edit and other people have told me don’t bother editing, keep the arms, keep the pauses, keep whatever, I have a tendency to really enjoy the editing part of it. And then you just put it on on on the air. And I use Buzzsprout, which is the company that my coach had suggested that I use. And it’s a fantastic thing because you can connect all of the directories like Google podcasts and Apple podcasts and they create all of them, you create one podcast and it just goes out to the all of the directories and you don’t have to think about it much. And there are ways of checking some of your metrics and your analytics, but I tend to stay away from it. I might look after a Wednesday or Thursday morning, I might say well, who listened on Wednesday because I know that that’s when I launched

37:52

you’re a ray of sunshine of a human and like you’re so easy to talk to. And when I when you you’re so nice when you message me on Instagram, and I always see your YouTube comments. I’m like, love Mallory, your Oh, your name is always there. And I see it and you’re so attentive to detail and you bring so much and you offer so much as a as a human. And I think you need more of that.

38:11

I remember feeling the way I felt and it stuck with me and I I wanted to watch you grow. And I wanted to watch you know, your journey, and I wanted to support you in any way that I could. And then you know, it’s not just that I was actually entertained and very interested in the content, you know, and I

38:29

want to ask, just because I’m curious, what what was your first like? How did you find me? Like, what was your Do you recall like your first? Yeah, I think I were how

38:39

I think you were populated by the algorithm. I am all over the place on YouTube. And I thought she’s fun. And then I followed you on Instagram. And that’s when I saw that post that negative comment that some guy wrote, and I don’t even want to repeat it because it was so awful. And yet you didn’t let it you didn’t. I think he put it in your DM. And I will have

39:01

to talk about this off the off the record. I don’t even know if I remember that. I think because I’m not that I’m flooded with negative comments all the time. But the ones I get I’m just kind of like, okay, like I don’t I feel like if I had done YouTube when I was younger, I would have taken everything to heart. I could have not even face a negative comment at age 16. But somehow now when I see that or people make comments on whatever it really I don’t think I ever even anything, I don’t know, it doesn’t bother me.

39:28

Well, here’s the thing, people and it’s good that you have that thick skin and you have to have this kind of a thick skin to actually be what I would say a content creator on any level because people are the worst but they’re not always their worst. They can be the worst and I’m not sure what’s going on for them or what gives anybody the permission to say something negative or mean in a comment and I see this a lot on let’s say a news feed ABC News or whatever on Facebook and the way people talk to each other, or the way they talk about somebody else. And I thought, you know, say that to somebody’s face, you would never go at a party and be in the room with these people. And say that to somebody, you would never walk up to somebody and say, what you what you just wrote in a comment. And somewhere along the line, somebody felt they had the permission to send a private DM because they it’s they can throw it there, but they don’t have to, they can block you and never have to worry about what the repercussions are. It’s very upsetting you and for many years now, I’ve been moderating a shits Creek group on Facebook and has nearly 60,000 members. And it used to have more, but people have left because they don’t get to go at it with each other. And we’ve had to mitigate as moderators. Just awful comments, and I’ve written kindness posts where I say to people, you know, if you’re going to say something negative, just walk away from the computer for a few minutes, put your phone down, pause because when you come back, if after taking the time to hit pause, you probably aren’t going to say anything negative especially my thought

41:04

to is I don’t understand how people get so pressed over the smallest things to even make the comment in the first place. I don’t think anything on the internet has pissed me off enough to feel the need to say something that rude or me like, there’s not much that I think bothers me on a surface level. I feel like I try to just go through life like very just like carefree. I’m like, I’m a very big believer in like, is it worth my energy of being upset? Is it really worth me being frustrated over Is this worth my energy and thought so that’s me in a nutshell. But then also, I’m like, when I’m on the internet, I’m like, There’s not that many things that make me so angry or irritated or what people comment to feel the need to comment that back and just be like, well, you effing suck. are you what are you know, I’m like, What is someone else doing that? So like, when people comment on you know, your food or something like when people when I make a food video, and they’re like, I can’t believe you would eat that or like, you don’t have to say it like that, like, you’re here. Like you came to this video Like, right, this was your choice to be here. I don’t know if this is interest. I don’t know what you’re upset about. Others might. But

42:11

I think that the bigger the bigger issue may be what they might be going through, it has nothing to do with you. You’re just a good target. You know, I I’ve been lucky so far. Because I don’t have any followers and I hardly anybody listening, that I haven’t yet had to deal with the negative comments. But I would be fascinated to see what somebody could say about me sharing all the horrible things that I put myself through, I take full

42:37

responsibility. Private people, people can find anything to comp like they can easily be like, Why do you care? Why are you sharing this? Like, no one’s like, no one cares. Like you did that to yourself. Like people just won’t find anything to just say me in a mean way, like, Okay, I’m still going to share my experience, I’m still going to share something because I can what are they going to comment on it? Like, oh, that but it just yeah, no sweat off my back. I think I read them. And I’m like, okay, and then just like keep whatever for those that

43:05

are listening to this, you don’t know who you are. And I’ve given a lot of insight into who you are, how I found you and why I so adore you. What would you say to them about your journey, how you feel about yourself and not caring, even though it parts of you may care? But what would you tell them? If they were wanting to do something like this for themselves? What would you share with them to make them feel like they could do the same thing that you’re doing here if they wanted to do this

43:33

in their own personal life, or they wanted to post it on the internet, posting it on

43:37

the internet? Because I think that that is a really tough thing. I cannot tell you I am such a private person. So private I, if I see eight people in the course of a week, it’s only because I went to the supermarket on Sunday. And yet I’m online every single day sharing things with people. So what would you say if somebody wanted to go out there and share themselves publicly on the internet? What would what would be some of the things that you would tell them that they should think about and maybe even speak it from your own experience?

44:08

One quote, I don’t know if it exists from anywhere else or my own head. But one thing that has always gotten me through life is just like if somebody else can do it, why can’t I when I was struggling in physical therapy school, and I would cry every day because I didn’t understand like the context of the the information or I was getting stressed or overwhelmed. And I’m like, I’m stupid. I can’t do this. And I was like, how many graduating classes have done this before you they are all capable of it. So are you so I think I have that mindset a lot in life in general of like, well, someone else is out there posting videos on the internet and posting unflattering angles and posting their acne and stuff. And then I talked about my other quote of like, you’re not that special. So like if you think, you know people are going to sit here and like obsess over you and comment on the negative things. You’re probably wrong. It could be one thing when you have millions of people watching You all the time, that can get a little tricky, but just to be sort of a nobody on the internet, like, who cares? Like, these are people I’m not going to see in my everyday life. If they don’t like me, they don’t like me just like if you met someone face to face that didn’t like you, it doesn’t matter and the people that are going to be rude, it’s just like, if you were going on a date, and someone just you didn’t vibe with them, you didn’t like them, they didn’t have the same ideas you or they wanted something that you didn’t want, or whatever, if you’re not going to enjoy that, and it’s not going to be compatible. They’re not subscribed to the idea of it. So it’s like people are going to sit around and they mean things. It’s like, you just have to like, learn how to just ignore it. Because you know, in your heart, how you are as a person and why you’re doing what you’re doing, why you’re posting online. And if you’re in it for good reason, and you’re in it because you enjoy it, then that’s all that matters. And I know these sound like so many cliches all in one, but the cliche, clothes are cliche, because they’re true. And that’s another thing I’m learning is like the cliches really mean something, they’re cheesy and annoying, and you hate when people say them, but it’s like no other kind of true. And when you just stop like worrying about what people might think of you and realize they’re probably not even thinking about you. It’s very helpful. And as you mentioned earlier, you may not ever stop caring about the idea of what people think of you, but it helps a whole lot when you think this person is another person that exists in this world that has family drama, children, a marriage a job, when you’re walking in a crowd of people, everyone is thinking about themselves most likely, or you go to your freaking pool and your bathing suit without your perfect body, they’re not going to be like, Oh, who is the bottom row? All right, nobody’s ever writing that. And again, there could be a few Mean Girls or mean boys out there that are gonna do that. But they’re probably doing that with everything and how happy is their life, like they’ve got their own stuff that they’re dealing with. And again, if you think for a second, you’re that special, quote unquote, that like every person is going to turn their head and be like, Oh my God, look at her and her bathing suit. I know, people are like drinking their drinks by the pool, having a good time with it, but no one cares. Like no one actually cares that much about other people. It all comes from I think it stems from how you think about yourself is how much you think other people care about you. And when you have anxiety and body dysmorphia, and you are always hyper aware of how you are in space, you immediately think everyone around you is going to almost obsess over you or think that they’re like you’re special and then you realize you’re not that the people aren’t special because everyone is in their own way. But you know what I mean? It’s not like I do you’re not special enough to have everyone’s attention all the time. You’re a nobody to people you’re not a celebrity you’re not and it’s how do you ignore it? How do you put yourself out there and just go with it? Like I always say like, what’s it what’s the worst that can happen? When I when people I work with found out I had a YouTube channel, I was mortified. I work in a hospital where people like are professional and I was like, There’s no way I can do both. Like this is not professional of me, my boss, my manager of our department. She’s really cool. She found out through another therapist from my Instagram not that my boss follows me on Instagram but someone else does. And she said oh, did you know Kayla had a YouTube channel This isn’t I hit 50,000 subscribers my boss like freaked out and like ran into the break room one day when I was eating lunch by myself because as you said i i love to isolate Being alone is my favorite thing. I’m an introvert to the core. But for some reason when when you’re just projecting to people online, they’re just enjoying you from like the distance or not in front of you. So I’m eating lunch by myself in the break room and my boss goes Kayla. I didn’t know you had a YouTube channel views 50,000 subscribers, you’re famous. I was like, Oh, God. Now, please. So not only did like everyone learn about it, and they were going to everybody be like, Did you see the kala digital I was I was like wanted to die. In that moment. My boss sent an email to everybody in our department saying Go subscribe to Kayla go watch. And I wanted to just like bury my head in the sand and never be seen again. And now it’s like, okay, so they watch your videos, or they don’t they probably don’t like no one’s watching me that I work with every week. So I just think okay, they watch my videos, they get a little bit more insight into my life. Cool

48:53

about the work thing. I think what was interesting, and I believe this when you share from your scar and not from your wound, like this person shared on clubhouse, the idea that we’ve lived this perfect life, we all live these perfect lives and that our private life should stay private from our work life. Of course, I’m not going into my clients offices in say, Hey, did you listen to my podcast? It’s about my life of all this chaos that I went through. I never do that. If they find me, they find me and I can’t worry about it. And I don’t worry about it. And I think when your boss saw you on YouTube and was all excited, you’re famous and but the thing that you said was about sharing your private life because I am equally an introvert. And when you’re sharing your private life, there is a little bit of a scary element to that. But then you look at the celebrities and you look at even newscasters who go through a lot of stuff. And what makes them so different about sharing their private life on the internet because there’s a celebrity or they’re famous It doesn’t matter, there’s still a human being. And I knew that the likelihood of my private life and the sad parts of what I went through catching up to me to haunt me was probably going to be slim. It’s not going to haunt me, it’s been haunting me, I’m trying to let go of what’s haunting me and and move forward. That’s what I’m doing by keeping myself moving forward. And by sharing it, and I think that you’re doing the same thing. And you know, you’re helping other people who watch your channel and feel not only entertained by it, but also relate to what you’re going through and what you’re feeling. And the attitude is only going to serve you well, it’s not going to serve you poorly, then I think that that’s a big takeaway for anybody who wants to share their private life on the internet. I’m not saying read everything completely from your journal, but you can read something from your journal, let’s say, and then talk about how you felt about it in a reflective moment. I’m confident as sharing that is going to compromise our well being No, because the reality is, these are things that has happened for both of us clearly very different journeys, but they’re there to help people. That’s the intent to help people to share from a place of authenticity to help.

51:19

And I think too, like, the more you post things online, the more you realize other people are going through the exact same thing. I mean, it just when people comment on my African team video, they’re like, Thank you for posting this, this is so helpful. This is you know, I’m about to go on it. And I wanted to like really understand what it’s like to be on it. It’s like there’s other people that are going through the same thing. Or maybe there’s people that are or whoever, and they’re like, Yeah, I want to change my eating habits are working out. And they don’t want to necessarily watch somebody who’s super thin and has good genetics, they want to find someone like me, who just has like a normal sized body. And they’re like, Okay, who day looks way more realistic than waking up at 5am every day and drinking my green juice and running 26 miles. And then they want to see someone like me, like, barely gets out of bed before nine o’clock and like walks down to the gym, like painstakingly and then I do my workout. And you know, I think that relatability is important as well, because it gives you that option on YouTube to figure out who you want to subscribe to. And you can pick who you want to surround yourself with on the internet, maybe not in real life, you don’t get that option, you have autonomy on the internet, decide who you subscribe to, who’s on your Instagram feed, who’s in your grabbed, whatever. And I think people don’t take that don’t use that enough to their advantage because people still feel the need to compare themselves. I swipe my Instagram clean and people that make me feel bad. I like people that don’t post tons of filters. And they don’t need to like Photoshop their little cellulite out in a photo or whatever. I’m like, Give me those people because they’re just people.

52:44

I agree with that. And I think that it’s very difficult for some people. And it’s easy, easier for others to manage how they compare themselves to other people and how they look at people on Instagram, for example, or even YouTube and they see a life that is designed really to show you what they want you to see. And I said that people do share what they want you to see about themselves. Well, I share the good, the bad and the ugly and some of the ugliest. And that’s what I want people to see or hear depending upon how I’m sharing it.

53:16

We touched on so many good things. What do you think your

53:19

YouTube channel and your Instagram is about to

53:24

say I feel like I’m just health is so like, it can be people can unsubscribe to that because of and I use unsubscribe also in a term of like not actually like YouTube unsubscribe but like the word itself being like people unsubscribing to the idea. Um, you know, you put health on things and people are like, like, I don’t want it to be like just fitness and just health. So I always like pop wellness in there too. Because I’m like, How can you just be well and be happy and find things in your life that are enjoyable. And we all have to do every day. And like I said, we have mundane things that we have to do day to day and how can we enjoy those things because we’re all here we all got to do the things that we don’t want to do. So like my catch all is like health, wellness, fitness or health, wellness, body positivity, body neutrality, I like body neutrality a lot too, because body positivity is very much like I love my body. It’s It’s beautiful the way it is, which is what I was talking about with my acne. I’m like, Well, I do love my body. But I don’t have to love everything about it all the time, which is what body neutrality is, which I really like that terminology a lot better than the big body positivity movement, because I’m like you can hate yourself. You can hate your body you can not like the way it looks. But if you can at least respect it for what it’s worth and what it does for you and how it carries you through life. That’s more important to me then I love my body all the time. I love my acne. I love this because sometimes you’re like yeah, I don’t know,

54:37

when you share from a place of what you’re sharing from you build your own self confidence you do

54:42

and I think too, like it’s almost it’s almost like therapeutic to kind of like air it out and I’m sure maybe you feel that way as well. It just feels like good to like all this pent up of my life like just being pent up with like anxiety about my body and what it looks like and this and that and then it’s like when you easy to show like you’re both looking great and then like you stay Normally your butt looks like a but it’s almost like a therapeutic intervention for me to be like, I’m actually like, I’ve been bamboozling myself this whole time to thinking I’m like, anxious and whatever but really I’ve done it to myself because of what I’ve looked at for so many years so I like I like to do it that way to to be like this Thank you therapy for me to like, like I said in my my, my Instagram captions that was like, this is your and my daily reminder. Your Oh, are you Oh, you’re so sweet. Oh, and thank you, I just I love the people like you that exists out there. Like there are there are nice people that are in this in my Creator space and like a positive way and like you’re here to truly support me and be kind and you’re not here for ill intent, and you’re very much attentive. And so thank you for your support. I returned to see Mallory and like Ellery, a little YouTube comment a little whatever. I always there’s always like a handful of people that have really commented from the beginning.

55:52

Well, it’s my pleasure and the feeling is 100% mutual. So when you said that, you know you would like to do this and I thought, Oh, my God, I should totally do this. I was thrilled. Just absolutely thrilled. And I love the journey that you’re on and I love the way you share creatively and I can’t speak enough of that. So thank you so much. Okay, sounds good. All right, Eric. You have fun tomorrow and thank you so much time and we’ll talk soon Of course. Okay, see ya. Okay. Hi.

56:20

And I want to say thank you to Kayla Nelson for joining me today you can find her on YouTube and on Instagram her YouTube channel is Kayla Nelson K y la Nelson and she has two handles on Instagram one is called sincerely dot Kala and the other is Kayla obviously. Okay, well if you found value in this or any other episode of Don’t lose your balance. You can share it you can download it you can follow me on Instagram. I have two handles. One is Don’t lose your balance. MSD That’s Mary Sam David and the other is Mallory underscore Derek. I also have a website. It’s don’t lose your balance calm. And today and tomorrow and always I hope you don’t lose your balance along your life’s journey. I’ll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Hi, I am Mallory Durrick. I am a creative. A Marketing Strategist and Web Designer with a small and modest boutique Marketing Agency living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I am the creator and narrator of this podcast, Don’t Lose Your Balance. This is a culmination of decades of self-help books, countless doctors, numerous hospitals, including rehabs. Once a wife, now divorced, a mother, a grandmother and an addict in recovery. These are things that I am and have experienced.

I’m sharing it all. Baring it all. Hoping to help others; not lose their balance.